12.23am After taking my sleeping pills I get some sleep.
4am I wake up and try to do a little work, but it’s too
difficult, I don’t have the motor function to type and I can’t trust what I am
doing.
After breakfast I have a shower sitting in the chair and get
dressed and lie on the bed. I have given up trying to type and I am now writing
in my notebook in scribble form. As it’s
Monday everyone is back to work now so I am on my own. I put on Sarah McLachlan’s
music and I really enjoy lying there listening to the songs. This is not
something that I would normally do, just lying down and listening to music -
normally it would be playing in the background while I was working. I become
very introspective; I decide I would like to meet Sarah McLachlan to tell her
how her music is helping me during my hospital stay.
I start visiting my life. All the grey falls away which must
be why one of the nurses told me that ketamine is called the drug of clarity.
Everything is crystal clear, all the superficial parts of my life disappear and
all I can see are the important things that have made me me. The people and
experiences that have been part of my life since my early 20’s come to the fore,
I can see everything so clearly. I decide that I have a book in me, a book
about me. I also believe I have had the best life in the world, I am very
blessed and lucky in every way. Sarah McLachlan’s music, especially the song “Do
You Remember Me?” helps me revisit my late teenage years, leaving Perth and
moving to Melbourne on my own. Interestingly the many, many years with “previous
guy” I only slightly touch on and quickly move over. I am surprised that I
slightly revisit someone else who was such a tiny part of my life but whom I am
so grateful for the power she gave me to make the necessary changes to my life
and also for introducing me to Sarah McLachlan’s music.
I feel myself tripping a bit - Khloe had asked me yesterday whether
I had been riding pink unicorns so I decide to go looking for them. I imagine
myself sitting deep in the saddle and waiting for the beautiful canter stride
to come up in front of me. To enjoy the canter you relax deep into the saddle and
it feels like beautiful dancing. The canter is the reward for the hard work you
need to do at the trot. It doesn’t offer the breathtaking exhilaration of the
gallop but it has its place in perfection on a well-rounded horse. However, it
doesn’t happen, I can’t find the unicorns or the canter, then I realise it is
Khloe who wants to ride pink unicorns, my riding days are over. The car
accident saw to that.
Instead I find myself tripping beautifully; I am lying in a
paddock of flowers in a flowing dress looking stunning with wonderful scenery
while being filmed overhead like a music video. Now I understand why artists
use drugs to write, paint and create, it puts you in a different head space and
helps with creativity because it removes you from the real world.
Last night when I
asked Doc Malik about ketamine’s party drug use and he said young people like
the drifting away and it elevates your mood but older people don’t like it as
much as they are past having fun! That’s not true I like having fun and today
has been..........I can’t find the adjective I want, floating, amazing,
beautiful, serene. Nick said last night that I was fighting against the drug, so
I have taken that on board and am trying to relax more. I feel sorry for Nick that he doesn’t get to
experience what this is like, why do I get all the best things in life? Why am
I so lucky?
The next song I don’t like, it has negative connotations so
I decide to stop listening. I realise that I have to be careful not to do
anything that could lead to negative thoughts and then send me into a downward
spiral. I decide to write in my notebook instead.
Nurse BG comes in and asks me why I am crying, I say they
are tears of joy and happiness as I can’t believe how great my life is. I
messaged Anastasia to ask her to take some notes for me but when she rang back
I was already writing so it wasn’t necessary. After I left hospital she told me
that I had phoned her during class time. Normally I would never phone her
during the day as she is a school teacher.
With help from those close to me I have made lots of good decisionos
(bad spelling but at least I recognise it) to help me get through this period.
I only answer the phone to people who know what is going on with me. I don’t
reply to messages or emails without getting someone else to check what I have
written. It’s a bit like that book I read on a woman, Sally or Daisy who had
early onset dementia (after the infusion is finished I remember it’s called Still
Alice). She had notes on the fridge, like “don’t go running on your own” – not
much chance of that with me, I’m struggling to walk to the toilet! However we
have put in safeguards so I can relax. I am so fortunate to have intelligent,
open -minded people supporting me and I know to stop if anything starts to
become a bit dark. Hold on, it’s now 11.30am. How did that happen?
I forgot to say earlier that as beautiful as the tripping
was there was also a niggle at the back of my mind that if you did that all the
time it would get boring. My Spotless Mind. I might try and go to sleep and if
that doesn’t work I will watch OITNB.
Nick messaged me and woke me up from a very deep sleep. I am
stuttering and having trouble coming back to the present and now. BG comes in
and asks me whether I normally stutter, I say never in my life, it’s very
strange and a little disconcerting, luckily it passes and I eventually feel a
little more present.
1pm I discover that I haven’t taken my morning pills, very
strange, not like me at all. I am more “out of it” than I realise.The coffee I get with breakfast isn’t very hot so I order
hot milk to come with it but it hasn’t come the last two mornings so I try and
write “hot milk” on the order, I find this very difficult.
Khloe phoned, then Nick, I dictated some notes from the
morning to him and tried to eat some lunch. I told Nick that our real estate
agent had phoned; he said he will deal with it. I thought of the lovely time I
had spent sitting on Mr Garden Bench outside, I enjoyed my time there but I
won’t be visiting for a while as I am now confined to the hospital as walking
is very difficult, I am very unsteady and doddery. I tried to eat some lunch
but I really have to force myself to eat as I don’t have any appetite but I
know I have to eat if I want to walk out of here on Saturday.
Why do all the good things in life always happen to me? This
morning I finally understood the term dying happy when your time comes. Mine
hasn’t come yet because I am one of the lucky ones who get to live a wonderful,
outrageously happy, rich life. The only question left is how can I pass it on
to the other important people in my life so that they can also have a wonderful
life?
I remember that lovely saying that they have in Africa: God
gave white man the watch and black man the time. I’ve tripped the light
fantastic and as my friend Julie’s young granddaughter says, I winned, I winned!
7.20pm Nick writing: After lunch I read the newspaper for a
while which I enjoyed. I spoke to Khloe on the phone and Kay arrived at 3pm. We
did some work and sorted work things out. She left at 5pm and bumped into Rose
on the way out. I realised when I was talking to Rose that I was talking very
slowly, so I sped my speech up. I had a lovely couple of hours with Rose (not
sure how it was for her). She bought me some lovely flowers from her garden and
I also got a nice message from Marie.
7pm Nick arrived and Rose left saying she might come back
Friday. Julie phoned while Kay was here, she spoke to Kay and said she was
sorry she hadn’t been in and was trying to make some time. Nick wrote this for
me, and that has been my day.
Doc Malik didn’t have much time tonight but he said he will
take me totally off the fentanyl. Nick and I went to the cafe and I told him
about my day and asked him how him how his was. Anastasia texted and when Nick
left I texted her back at 8.30pm to see if she wanted a chat or I would watch
OITNB for the two hours until bedtime. I chatted with Anastasia for a while and
asked her to take some notes. Then I watched my show but I fell asleep and was
woken up at 10.40pm for my sleeping pills (gosh my handwriting has improved).
The only glitch was that Nick didn’t take my call at 11pm,
but it doesn’t worry me, it’s not that important, I will go to sleep.
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