Sunday 30 September 2018

Day 1 Admission Day Thursday 16/11/17


I phone at lunchtime and it isn’t good news, the hospital is booked out and I will be sharing. At this stage I am ready to bail, I ask if there is the possibility of moving to a private room the following day but am told there isn’t a guarantee. I spend most of the day crying on and off as nine days in a hospital for a procedure that has a slim chance of working is a big ask, but having to share a room is the final straw for me. Nick tells me that if I can’t continue it’s ok and we can go home, but I decide to hang onto the belief that I will get my room when it is important, in two days' time.

We arrive at the hospital mid-afternoon and the admissions lady says that she is aware that I am happy to pay for a private room and tells me to keep on insisting on it. As I am taken by a nurse to the room I am crying on and off. Other nurses come to check on me and are trying to help the situation, the staff are all lovely. I have the curtain totally around my bed, trying to make my own private room. My roommate is elderly and quiet but she has her television on continually which I find annoying, but it is very low so she is doing her best.

I am told I am getting a PICC line in tomorrow and this requires an x-ray and a doctor. Up unto now I haven’t been given any information about this procedure so this comes as a surprise.

Nick and our daughter Khloe arrive after work and we all go out to a local restaurant for dinner. After they go home I go back to my room, do some work and try hard to keep my emotions in check.
My room is right next to the nurse’s station and the patient’s buzzers go off loudly and constantly. I count the time between the buzzers and on average they are every 10 seconds, I try closing the door but it doesn’t make any difference.

At 11pm the nurse comes in to take my blood pressure and check my oxygen levels which I think is unnecessary as there isn’t anything wrong with me. Surprisingly she says that I’m not making the required oxygen levels and I should take some deep breaths. I speak to her about the fact that I can only do the next nine days if I have my own space and that I don’t know how I am going to sleep. She is lovely and says she will try to message the doctor to arrange a sleeping pill, but obviously it is very late. She also says she will see if she can get me moved tomorrow. I am also told that another lady who was booked in for the infusion at the same time as me has left because she didn't get a private room - I am almost hot on her heels.

She comes back at 12 and gives me what I think she said was a Valium. I feel like such a baby but it seems that the older I get the more important it is that I get what I need. Growing up in the 60’s meant being seen and not heard and downplaying all emotion. It has taken me until this stage of my life to be able to voice my emotions and not to pretend that I am ok when I know I’m not, and now I know I need help.

Saturday 29 September 2018

Day 2 Friday PICC Line


It’s now 12.24am on night one, the sensible, no fuss lady I am sharing with has been asleep for a while and she doesn’t even snore, so how can I complain about sharing a room with her? Update: it’s 12.30 and she is snoring.

I can’t believe what the Valium does, it takes my stress away, I’m not spaced out or anything I just feel calmer and less stressed, amazing. I sleep a little but by 2am I’m up again and that’s the real concern about a shared room, you don’t want to upset the neighbour on the other side of the curtain, it’s so absurdly close to be living next door to a stranger.

I go out to the nurse’s station, they suggest they could give me Panadiene Forte. However I am not interested in their offer of Panadiene Forte, I am not in pain, I just can’t sleep so I say no thanks.  They then suggest Endone (oxycodone hydrochloride) while I am thinking over whether this will help me (as I usually find it useless) they explain its properties to me so I decide if it will help me sleep I will take one.

I sit on the couch in the common area on my laptop and the internet until 4.30am and then go to bed, I doze on and off until 6.30am (I am so grateful for my neighbours lack of snoring). I am woken up at 6.30am to check my blood pressure which I think is ridiculous as I am not ill, only to be told it’s too low!
I get up, shower, get dressed and put on make-up, I am determined to be dressed and be me every day, I am not ill.

The manager promises me a private room today, this makes all the difference - I can do this if I have my own space.

In the afternoon I am taken by wheelchair (weird) to the radiology to have the PICC line inserted - it is used to give medication directly into the blood stream. My right arm is disinfected and prepared for the line. I would have preferred my left as I need my right as it is my dominant arm and the use of my left arm is restricted because of the accident, but the right it is. The vein is found and marked by ultrasound and I am given a local anesthetic injection in the site just above my elbow on the inside. 

The injection is quite painful and I do bring my knees up, curl my toes and make some ouch noises, then the pain is over and the line (a smallish tube) goes into my arm. I was told I wouldn’t feel anything but when it reaches the front of my neck I certainly felt a gulp as it went around the corner to my chest. However it wasn’t painful and true to their word I couldn’t feel it afterwards.

Not long after that I was moved to my private room. It’s amazing, there is space and I can keep my door shut and pretend it’s a hotel room. I can unpack my suitcase, fill the drawers and the cupboard plus leave my personal things out in the bathroom. Sharing sucks. I am so excited you would think I was checking into a penthouse suite on a world cruise. I can do this now!

My room is so quiet, I can’t hear the constant dinging of the patient’s buzzers, nor do I need to answer phone calls in a whisper and leave the room for fear of disturbing my unknown roommate. Now and then the nurses ask me whether I need anything for pain, I tell them I am fine, but I don’t let on that I have my own medication so am managing it myself.

The PICC line is more painful than I expected, it’s not horrible, but it’s not comfortable. Nick arrives after work and we go out to the local shopping plaza and then to a restaurant for dinner. When I get back I try to sleep, I need to sleep and finally about 11.30pm go to sleep.

Friday 28 September 2018

Day 3 Saturday The ketamine starts


I sleep until 6 in my great, quiet room. I have breakfast, shower, dress, put my make-up on, make my bed and read until my friend Anastasia arrives about 9am.

9.15am The Ketamine is started on the lowest dose, 2mg, it’s a continual feed into your body so there aren’t any ups and downs. Every hour it is increased by 2mg until you get to either the no- tolerance zone, which is usually identified by having hallucinations, nausea or vomiting or to the top limit of 40mg.

The nurse asks me my pain score, on a normal day it’s four so I tell her four but really it is five but I know that is only because I haven’t been moving around much. She says my 4 would be someone else’s 7.

Anastasia manages my new mate, the machine that administers the ketamine. I name him Roger, and we all go to the cafe for coffee and vanilla slice. We then go outside and down the path to a nice bench under a gumtree (Mr Garden Bench). We return to the room at 10.10 for a top-up and then repeat this every hour until Anastasia leaves at 12.30pm. I make some phone calls and do some work.

A few words about Roger: his official name is an intravenous infusion pump and his job is to administer the ketamine intravenously to my circulatory system. The ketamine comes in what looks like a long, very large syringe. Two nurses need to oversee the changeover of the syringe when it runs out and the front part of the machine where it goes is only opened with a key. Roger has two electrical leads that plug into a power point behind my bedside table, luckily I have bought a power board from home so I can keep the leads closer to me as I need to unplug both leads if I want to move from the immediate area on the right side of the bed. When Roger is unplugged he runs on a battery.

At 1.45pm I start to feel that it is affecting my mind. I feel a little altered so call my business partner Kay to let her know that something is going on. Nick arrives and I start to feel a little unpleasant and strange – this is not something that you would do for fun. My sense of smell is heightened and I find the diffuser I had bought in overpowering and ask Nick to move it to the other side of the room. I didn’t feel hungry but I have a small piece of fruit and after having one piece eat the rest of the small bowl.

2.25pm I am increased to 12mg and I tell the nurses I feel a little altered. We take Roger out for a walk to the bench under the gumtree until it was time for the next increase. My time perception seems a little altered: has it been 10 minutes or 45? My thought process seems to be moving around a bit.

3.27pm I’m increased to 14mg per hour and I do some work, typing this document. The unusual feelings come and go, none of the new feelings seem to be constant.

4.22pm It’s increased to 16mg and I believe I am still managing to work ok, it’s just taking me longer to process and I need to triple-check what I am doing, but at least I know that I need to triple check.

5.17pm I’m increased to 18 and my pain score drops to 2, unbelievable, in a good way

6.07pm Doc Malik comes just after 6 and I know that this is the time he arrives as I am watching the news, the same as when he arrived the previous night, so why am I surprised to see him?
He explains a little more of what will be going on, saying that it will be a similar feeling to being drunk and I’m not to feel scared. He and Nick say that I shouldn’t be working but I think I can still continue at this stage. I don’t scare easily but I do feel very unprepared, cognitively and psychologically.

7.16pm This feeling is not pleasurable, it is slightly uncomfortable; you would not choose to do this. My head feels a little heavy at the front on the right side where I have previously had skull fractures (I am very accident-prone). The pain comes and goes, nothing is consistent.

My father doesn’t realise I am in hospital and I ask Nick to manage any emails from him as I am stressing that I will forget to check them and if I don’t reply to an email he might phone. I don’t want him to know I am in hospital as then he will ring me every day, maybe multiple times a day, and I can’t cope with that pressure on a normal day let alone while I am in this state.

7.27pm The dose is increased for the final time tonight, I ask the nurse what name she wants to be known by in this blog, she chooses “Beautiful Girl”, BG, perfect! I don’t like that I don’t know her name, I want to speak to the manager about name tags and the nurses writing their names on the white board in my room to help me remember.

We go for a walk and I feel a little unsteady on my feet, I’m certainly flaky but not off with the pixies. Small underlying stresses in my mind are easily making me cry. It’s strange to try and understand that I will be in this state for up to a week; it’s not a pleasant thought as I am not feeling comfortable in my own skin.

8.21pm Nick goes home which is fine as I would really like to watch a trashy TV show and not feel that I should be doing something else. But I can’t as there are things I have to do, I need to write this, I need to understand what is going on and I understand things by writing them down. I need to talk about pain, the big ugly secret of my life. But am I brave enough? Possibly not. Bringing it out in the open serves no purpose so why would you do that and waste time and effort on it, better to enjoy life.

There is this new thing that nurse Beautiful Girl talks about, the no-pain option. Is this a realistic option? It’s a very interesting thing to consider I will have to put some thought into it.
So now I have to make a choice between three things that I want to do. 1. Watch OITNB (Orange is the New Black) 2. Explore the no-pain zone in my head or 3. Phone Nick because I said I would. And I might like a chocolate.

8.38pm I’m going to watch OITNB and eat a little chocolate. How can I be like this for a week? It’s not possible. I discovered that the chocolate is not in reach – my life is now ruled by how far I can move from Roger without doing the unplugging thing, which is currently annoying. So no more typing, I am going to watch OITNB.

10pm I loved the show, it was perfect for my head space right now, it was also good that I could replay any bits that I was struggling to follow. I went to the loo and of course while I was in there the nurses came to change over. BG said that she was leaving and would be back tomorrow afternoon and that I had done very well today. What does that mean, that I have done well? I try my best at everything I do but in this situation what or who am I competing with? Well compared to what or whom?

After they left I got changed for bed only to find that I couldn’t get totally out of my clothes as the PICC lines went through my right sleeve, my new nurse (a weekend agency nurse) said he would be back when he had seen everyone else so I’ve climbed into bed to wait for him. My brain tells me I should think about sleeping but I would like to watch another show or maybe phone Kay.

Kay didn’t answer, so I watched another show and finally at 11pm (an hour after I had asked for help) the nurse came in. Without warning me or asking me if it was ok he shoves his hand up the inside of my top, brushes past my boob and unhooks my lines from the clothes. I do not feel dignified but more like an elderly, frail lady who needs assistance in getting changed. He then picks up my clothes and puts them on top of me. Is this how I am meant to sleep with my clothes piled on top of me?  



After he leaves (he doesn't shut my door) I get up to move them to a chair. I then discover that he has plugged Roger in on the far wall, I can’t reach the plugs at all! I get down under the foot of the bed and work out how the brake on the bed releases so I can move the bed away from the wall and get in behind it to get to the power point and move Roger’s leads back to my side of the bed. He really is a dick! None of this sounds like a big deal unless you are in the middle of a ketamine infusion which means I am very unsteady in my physical movements and everything takes a huge thought process. I get the bed back in position, put the brake back on, close my door, and try to go to sleep. It is so ridiculous that I had to do all of that. In my state it’s a big job and I’m surprised I managed it all without falling over but I didn’t want him back in my room.

Thursday 27 September 2018

Day 4 Sunday Karen has left the building


Just after midnight I try to settle down to sleep, by 12.45am I knew it wasn’t going to work so I asked for and received a sleeping pill. I had trouble getting to sleep with the visual and sound disturbances (hallucinations) keeping me awake but I think I must have dropped off after 1.30am. I woke up just before 3am as the nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I said I was having trouble sleeping, he didn’t comment, acknowledge I had spoken or offer any suggestions. I am very unimpressed with the level of care offered by this nurse; all the other nurses have been lovely.

3.30am I give up on trying to sleep and ask for a sleeping pill and am told that sleeping pills aren’t permitted after 2am as you will be drowsy during the day: I respond with, I’m not drowsy, that’s the problem. The nurse doesn’t answer, he just leaves. I am wondering why it would matter if I was a bit drowsy during tomorrow morning as I am in here for another 6 days so even though I know it’s not good to disrupt the day/night sleep pattern it’s the beginning of the infusion and it’s not like I have anywhere I need to be.

3.45am I give up on the sleep thing and am pleased that the sound and visual disturbances have stopped. I start reading the newspaper, doing some blog writing and munching on a few salt and vinegar chips. I certainly feel very unsupported by this nurse and I will be letting someone know.

The hospital internet isn’t working and I’m not sure whether the problem is me as I really can’t trust myself at the moment or whether there is a problem with the network. It’s a bit of a pain when the newspaper slides off the wrong side of the bed, as it is the side I can’t reach. If want the paper I have to either call for the “orderly” (that’s how he’s acting, he doesn’t deserve the nursing title) or unplug Roger so I can get around the other side of the bed. I don’t want the “orderly” back, and I decide it’s too much trouble to disconnect and then reconnect Roger. So the newspaper stays on the floor.

4.25am The “orderly” comes back and gives a little nursing advice, tomorrow ask for two 20mg sleeping tablets and he reiterates that the policy is no sleeping pills after 2am. I do ask him to pick up the newspaper before he leaves. I read for a while and then try for some sleep and it works but it is a disturbed sleep with a constant overactive mind. I am starting to understand Russell Crowe in A Spotless Mind. 

The “orderly” comes back and I get a fright when he opens the door without knocking and I sit up and knock my glass of water to the ground. It takes me a few minutes to work out where I am. This often happens when you stay somewhere other than home, so imagine that tenfold when your mind is all over the shop, but I do get back to sleep until woken again. It’s a shame that when I have so much trouble sleeping that I am being woken up.

BG is constantly asking me about my pain score, the other nurses don’t. At one stage she explains to me how your pain score is rated on a scale from one to 10. I try to tease her that I know how the pain score works as I had my accident in 2003, but I don’t think I come across well so she doesn’t understand.

Note: Anastasia is typing the next bit as I am not able to type anymore; it’s all too over the shop. It’s easier for me to dictate to her and she’s happy and willing (or so she says).

8:00am I doze on and off and I have a small dinner roll for breakfast. I send Anastasia a text to prepare her that I am nothing like I was yesterday.

9:00am The ketamine dose is increased to 24. I wasn’t allowed to shower straight away. I had to wait half an hour to see how affected I would be. I showered by myself by sitting on the chair. I got dressed for the day, put on make-up and lay on top of the made bed.The main light is annoying me; I prefer the light behind the bed and the natural light.

10:00am I become emotional and stressed and I decide that people in my work and home world should be awake by now so I am wondering why the phone and emails have been so quiet. I start worrying about my father finding out I am in hospital.

Anastasia arrives and finds out that the internet issue is hospital-wide and won’t be back on until possibly tomorrow morning. Nick says I can hotspot my phone instead. I have gone off the idea of videoing my blog as I’m not comfortable with anyone seeing me like this nor am I able to manage the camera. Anastastia takes a photo of me lying on the bed. I am appalled at how I look. She says: I’m not going to lie to you, you are in hospital, you don’t look good! So no photos of me in the blog either.

1:00am Anastasia phones Kay to relieve my anxiety about dealing with work. I am very fixated on my inability to work and worried about my lack of control and Anastasia helps me make some decisions so that I am not so stressed.

Kay is off from her other job for the next two days so I feel better knowing that she can manage. She will return to work at her other job on Wednesday, so I decide I will worry about Wednesday on Wednesday.  I will not answer the phone to anyone who doesn’t know I’m here. I am beyond dealing with any work, including the nearly completed email I was almost ready to send last night. I am frustrated beyond belief about the lack of information I have been given over what this will be like and my ability to function. Although Malik did tell me I wouldn’t be able to work, he just didn’t say why.

12:00 noon It’s interesting that my French is still coming naturally in this state. I am in a very emotional state and I have to keep focused on the positive. I asked a nurse about the infusion process and she said: you stay on your maximum dose for a bit and then they dial it back down, it’s best to ask the doctor tonight. Anastasia and I go for a coffee at the coffee shop, I hate that I am teary and emotional. I’m really struggling and have trouble even sitting properly at the table without slumping. I am aware people are glancing at me as I cut the figure of a very ill patient, dragging Roger behind me, walking very unsteadily and slumping, I don’t care. I really can’t see anyone who isn’t in my immediate vision, the wider space is a blur. We returned to the room in time for the top- up, I’m now on 32mg.

1:00pm I feel ok but I am a bit nervous. I keep fixating on that my father might phone and find out I’m here. Nick and Anastasia have told me not to worry. Nick promises he won’t let him know and he will ask Khloe, our daughter, not to let him know. I need constant reassurance on this. I am losing track of the reason why I’m going through this infusion. I have a great conversation with the nurse, La Chica, about her start in Australia. I want to catch up with La Chica when this is all over. 

1:40pm Nick arrives with fresh pillow cases. I keep forgetting that the Wi-Fi isn’t working so I ask him to write it on the whiteboard so I remember to hotspot. I keep worrying about little things, I am easily set off. The pre-information I was given was not adequate, I’m very frustrated over this. I’m experienced at managing the crap in my head but I am having trouble managing it now. We work out that when I’m alone I need a plan so I’m not stressing. Nick helps me make a plan: when I start stressing I will watch some of the shows on my USB. I discuss the episodes of OITNB with Anastasia; she says I’m experiencing it weirder than it is.

2:00pm This is not an experience that you would choose to have. There’s this whole pain threshold issue to consider, and I do need to get off the fentanyl. I am reflecting on why I’m here, and try to remember why I am here: it’s to reset my medication levels. I can now turn my head to the left and look out the window. I haven’t been able to turn my head to the left in 14 years. I feel like I’m in a weird episode of Twin Peaks except it’s not quite as strange as that.

2:35pm Nick typing – Nurse BG comes back and asks about the pain level, it is at 1, she says they want to get it to 0. I am still on the fentanyl but they will lower the dose from 25mgh to 12.5mgh later on today. The ketamine is now at 34 mg/hour.  I’m lying down with my eyes closed but I can’t sleep. I have a little bit of trouble breathing so I put the bed down flat and that helps. Perception is difficult. It feels like I’m tripping but it’s not fun, just a waste of time. I’d rather be going for a walk near home with Nick and the dog.

5:31pm I’ve made it to 40mg/h. It has been quiet, I’ve been watching OITNB. I feel a bit trippy, etc. I have a bit of pain at the back of my neck. I can’t get comfortable; I’m a bit headachy, 2/10 for the headache.


I don't have much of an appetite, and this dinner certainly doesn't help! Not even proper ice cream.



6:11pm Just had Dr Malik come in. I’m now at 40mg, and I will stay on that until Friday, four more full days! Malik said the longer I can stay on 40 the higher the chance of pain reduction after the treatment finishes. He says I can choose to reduce to a lower dose if I’m not comfortable and he tells me I can call him at any time. If I can stay on 40 until Friday he will reduce the dosage to 20, then by Saturday it will be reduced to 0. Once I have been on 0 for two hours I can go home. I ask Malik why some people want to do this recreationally and he said that some people like the disassociated state.
I tell him about my problem sleeping and he says I need good sleep hygiene, including no electronics late at night. He says I can get an additional sleeping tablet if there is an issue, but I should be asleep in 30 minutes. I tell him about the issues I had last night, and he says he will speak to the nurses. I don’t believe I should need to make decisions on everything, including how to get to sleep. I don’t feel I am capable of making decisions that I find complex, I need and expect more support.

7:23pm We go for a walk around the hospital, I am feeling very stoned. Can I do this for 4 more days? I am quite disappointed that I have worked so hard to get to 40mg only to be told that it’s not over, I have to try and stay there for four more days, I feel like the goal posts have been shifted on me.

8pm Nick goes home. I am struggling with a lack of perception dealing with Roger, I have difficulty plugging and unplugging his leads when I need to go the bathroom.

Wednesday 26 September 2018

Day 5 Monday Tripping the light fantastic - the drug of clarity


12.23am After taking my sleeping pills I get some sleep.

4am I wake up and try to do a little work, but it’s too difficult, I don’t have the motor function to type and I can’t trust what I am doing.

After breakfast I have a shower sitting in the chair and get dressed and lie on the bed. I have given up trying to type and I am now writing in my notebook in scribble form. As it’s Monday everyone is back to work now so I am on my own. I put on Sarah McLachlan’s music and I really enjoy lying there listening to the songs. This is not something that I would normally do, just lying down and listening to music - normally it would be playing in the background while I was working. I become very introspective; I decide I would like to meet Sarah McLachlan to tell her how her music is helping me during my hospital stay.

I start visiting my life. All the grey falls away which must be why one of the nurses told me that ketamine is called the drug of clarity. Everything is crystal clear, all the superficial parts of my life disappear and all I can see are the important things that have made me me. The people and experiences that have been part of my life since my early 20’s come to the fore, I can see everything so clearly. I decide that I have a book in me, a book about me. I also believe I have had the best life in the world, I am very blessed and lucky in every way. Sarah McLachlan’s music, especially the song “Do You Remember Me?” helps me revisit my late teenage years, leaving Perth and moving to Melbourne on my own. Interestingly the many, many years with “previous guy” I only slightly touch on and quickly move over. I am surprised that I slightly revisit someone else who was such a tiny part of my life but whom I am so grateful for the power she gave me to make the necessary changes to my life and also for introducing me to Sarah McLachlan’s music.

I feel myself tripping a bit - Khloe had asked me yesterday whether I had been riding pink unicorns so I decide to go looking for them. I imagine myself sitting deep in the saddle and waiting for the beautiful canter stride to come up in front of me. To enjoy the canter you relax deep into the saddle and it feels like beautiful dancing. The canter is the reward for the hard work you need to do at the trot. It doesn’t offer the breathtaking exhilaration of the gallop but it has its place in perfection on a well-rounded horse. However, it doesn’t happen, I can’t find the unicorns or the canter, then I realise it is Khloe who wants to ride pink unicorns, my riding days are over. The car accident saw to that.

Instead I find myself tripping beautifully; I am lying in a paddock of flowers in a flowing dress looking stunning with wonderful scenery while being filmed overhead like a music video. Now I understand why artists use drugs to write, paint and create, it puts you in a different head space and helps with creativity because it removes you from the real world.

Last night when I asked Doc Malik about ketamine’s party drug use and he said young people like the drifting away and it elevates your mood but older people don’t like it as much as they are past having fun! That’s not true I like having fun and today has been..........I can’t find the adjective I want, floating, amazing, beautiful, serene. Nick said last night that I was fighting against the drug, so I have taken that on board and am trying to relax more. I feel sorry for Nick that he doesn’t get to experience what this is like, why do I get all the best things in life? Why am I so lucky?

The next song I don’t like, it has negative connotations so I decide to stop listening. I realise that I have to be careful not to do anything that could lead to negative thoughts and then send me into a downward spiral. I decide to write in my notebook instead.

Nurse BG comes in and asks me why I am crying, I say they are tears of joy and happiness as I can’t believe how great my life is. I messaged Anastasia to ask her to take some notes for me but when she rang back I was already writing so it wasn’t necessary. After I left hospital she told me that I had phoned her during class time. Normally I would never phone her during the day as she is a school teacher.

With help from those close to me I have made lots of good decisionos (bad spelling but at least I recognise it) to help me get through this period. I only answer the phone to people who know what is going on with me. I don’t reply to messages or emails without getting someone else to check what I have written. It’s a bit like that book I read on a woman, Sally or Daisy who had early onset dementia (after the infusion is finished I remember it’s called Still Alice). She had notes on the fridge, like “don’t go running on your own” – not much chance of that with me, I’m struggling to walk to the toilet! However we have put in safeguards so I can relax. I am so fortunate to have intelligent, open -minded people supporting me and I know to stop if anything starts to become a bit dark. Hold on, it’s now 11.30am. How did that happen?

I forgot to say earlier that as beautiful as the tripping was there was also a niggle at the back of my mind that if you did that all the time it would get boring. My Spotless Mind. I might try and go to sleep and if that doesn’t work I will watch OITNB.

Nick messaged me and woke me up from a very deep sleep. I am stuttering and having trouble coming back to the present and now. BG comes in and asks me whether I normally stutter, I say never in my life, it’s very strange and a little disconcerting, luckily it passes and I eventually feel a little more present.

1pm I discover that I haven’t taken my morning pills, very strange, not like me at all. I am more “out of it” than I realise.The coffee I get with breakfast isn’t very hot so I order hot milk to come with it but it hasn’t come the last two mornings so I try and write “hot milk” on the order, I find this very difficult.

Khloe phoned, then Nick, I dictated some notes from the morning to him and tried to eat some lunch. I told Nick that our real estate agent had phoned; he said he will deal with it. I thought of the lovely time I had spent sitting on Mr Garden Bench outside, I enjoyed my time there but I won’t be visiting for a while as I am now confined to the hospital as walking is very difficult, I am very unsteady and doddery. I tried to eat some lunch but I really have to force myself to eat as I don’t have any appetite but I know I have to eat if I want to walk out of here on Saturday.

Why do all the good things in life always happen to me? This morning I finally understood the term dying happy when your time comes. Mine hasn’t come yet because I am one of the lucky ones who get to live a wonderful, outrageously happy, rich life. The only question left is how can I pass it on to the other important people in my life so that they can also have a wonderful life?

I remember that lovely saying that they have in Africa: God gave white man the watch and black man the time. I’ve tripped the light fantastic and as my friend Julie’s young granddaughter says, I winned, I winned!

7.20pm Nick writing: After lunch I read the newspaper for a while which I enjoyed. I spoke to Khloe on the phone and Kay arrived at 3pm. We did some work and sorted work things out. She left at 5pm and bumped into Rose on the way out. I realised when I was talking to Rose that I was talking very slowly, so I sped my speech up. I had a lovely couple of hours with Rose (not sure how it was for her). She bought me some lovely flowers from her garden and I also got a nice message from Marie.

7pm Nick arrived and Rose left saying she might come back Friday. Julie phoned while Kay was here, she spoke to Kay and said she was sorry she hadn’t been in and was trying to make some time. Nick wrote this for me, and that has been my day.

Doc Malik didn’t have much time tonight but he said he will take me totally off the fentanyl. Nick and I went to the cafe and I told him about my day and asked him how him how his was. Anastasia texted and when Nick left I texted her back at 8.30pm to see if she wanted a chat or I would watch OITNB for the two hours until bedtime. I chatted with Anastasia for a while and asked her to take some notes. Then I watched my show but I fell asleep and was woken up at 10.40pm for my sleeping pills (gosh my handwriting has improved).

The only glitch was that Nick didn’t take my call at 11pm, but it doesn’t worry me, it’s not that important, I will go to sleep. 

Tuesday 25 September 2018

Day 6 Tuesday I do not have to be first but I will not be last!


I slept until 4am, my mind is too active to sleep and I have slightly annoying restless legs. One issue I had in the night was that I knocked over my glass of water which is not unusual for me. It went all over my throw rug so I had to get up and adjust it. I would have liked to sleep longer.

I chat with Red Lips for a while and she tells me they call ketamine the drug of clarity, I tell her that I would like to speak to other patients going through this experience and see how they are feeling, what they are experiencing etc. Red Lips says the other patients are two young men and that one is happily enjoying the ride and doesn’t have a lot of life experience, but the other is feeling quite sad – the drug of clarity.

She says that the smokers who are on the infusions still manage to get themselves up and outside to have their cigarettes and there they meet others and they make friends. I can see how you would feel connected with other people going through the same experience as you but I tell her that I have no interest in speaking to young men. There is nothing they can share with me about life. How could they be in this situation when they are so young? The nurses aren’t allowed to divulge any information and I am no longer interested in talking to other ketamine patients.

I lay there happy until 8, reflecting on what a wonderful fortunate life I have. I am in a happy place. Nick and Khloe have dealt with my worry about my father finding out about it. Friends and family have removed all the stresses from me so that I can do this.

Red Lips then “lied” to me. She said they had swapped the syringe over during the night and asked me if I remembered them touching me so as not to startle me. I said that no, I didn’t remember anything and that’s when she lied, she said I was snoring and I should put that in my blog! Well, we all know that I could not possibly snore, so I will have to keep an eye on Red Lips (she is gorgeous though). She and Beautiful Girl are my favourite nurses!

I was a little worried for a while about my restless legs but I told my legs that they had to stop as they were too annoying and after that they behaved themselves, like most people do if you take charge. The people that don’t behave themselves, well you have to walk away and let them go; they are not your problem. I make a note to tell Nick I need tissues and wipes.

Let’s talk about the enabler in the room, yes Roger that’s you – the man with only one word to say. The moment you open your mouth I shut you down by pushing that little arrow on the far left of the screen. You are brainless noise that keeps popping into my head and interrupting me, you have nothing interesting to say, you have no place in my world. Roger, I have appreciated your help but I will be glad to hand you over to someone else at the end of this. Even though there are no hard feelings I hope I don’t ever have to see you or any of your family again. I have a life to lead, places to go, things to do and people to meet, I don’t have time to waste with this stuff. I need to get Nick out of his drudgery work so we can enjoy the rest of our time together. I’m going to read the paper for a while or have a shower.

Then I have a major problem! A woman from administration comes into my room and sits down in a chair next to my bed. She didn’t ask if it was ok with me to come in my room, and sit in one of my chairs, she didn’t even knock, so much for respecting patients, there is no privacy in hospitals. She then tells me that there is a person more worthy than me who needs my private room, they are not the words that she uses but that is the implication. She tries to emotionally blackmail me by saying that she isn’t asking for me, she’s asking for them. I said that if I had to give my room up I would be stopping my treatment and going home, I will only leave this room to go home. She said she would have to talk to the manager and left.

I am not a selfish person, I do not need to be number one but I will not be last! I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I have been good, I have not given in to this pain and crawled into a hole. I have not taken to my bed, I have continued to work. The day after my accident I went to work, I couldn’t put on my own shoes, and in hindsight if you can’t put your own shoes on you shouldn’t go to work! I have ticked all the right boxes and got on with my life, so why should I be the least important patient in this hospital?

That guilt-trip woman has to go. I did not do this to myself, I did not go through a red light and hit me, someone else did this to me! I have worked hard to make the best of the situation, please let me finish my treatment in privacy.

By the time the lovely lunch lady Molly came to bring me my meal I was pretty well hysterical. I was on the phone to Nick and was sobbing to him telling him that they were derailing me, all that hard work I had done to stay positive has been ripped from me by a heartless administrator. How dare she do that to me, how can she be allowed to come into my room and shatter all the hard work I had done, how? 

Sweet Molly came back with the manager Rolf and a lovely nurse, who were very kind and understanding. They supported me and gave me half a Valium, Nick was worried they were trying to shut me up with the Valium, but I was a mess and definitely needed to calm down. The nurse asked if there was anyone that could come and sit with me but I said it’s Tuesday, everyone is at work. Nick spoke to Rolf the manager and it is all sorted, I have this room until I finish. I have calmed down now and am trying to get back to my happy place. I do not have to be first but I will not be last!

                                  As hard as I try I can't seem to write milk without a double l.

I try to sleep but keep getting hung up on the morning’s drama. I managed to talk to Kay about some work and told her I was having trouble getting past what had happened to me. Kay said I had no choice I just had to move on, and she told me later that I answered her with a firm: yes, you are right, that is what I will do! I am a black and white personally normally and this drug is making me more so.

I watched my OITNB, trying to improve my mood. I was also trying to control my restless legs so I decided to go to the pharmacy about buying some wipes. I have diarrhoea which is apparently a side effect of withdrawal. I walked to the pharmacy dragging Roger with one hand and using the support railing on the wall with the other. Luckily being in room 1 means the front door and the pharmacy are very close. I went to the pharmacy to find out how much they cost and then went then back to my room to get money (I don’t know why I just didn’t take money with me, nor do I know why I didn’t charge it to my room). I took $10 and returned to the shop and bought the wipes. This seemed like a massive achievement to do this on my own, like a normal person. Later in the afternoon when I got up to go to the bathroom I found $10 lying on the bedroom floor, maybe I’m not that normal person after all. Where did it come from?

Dinner arrived and it was very strange; risotto with chips - (carbs anyone?), zucchini and corn.


The food has been really poor and tasteless (the sprinkled pepper in the photo is from the pepper grinder I brought from home). I watched the 6pm news, I wish the nurses would wear name tags or write their name on the whiteboard as I am really struggling to remember their names and they are all so lovely and caring to me that I feel bad when I can’t remember their names.

Khloe came to visit and I had to explain to her why I deserved the private room, there are so many reasons. She is old enough now to know the truth. I have worked hard for the past 14 years not to let the accident ruin my life, I have never taken an anti-depressant or any other type of mental health drugs.That isn’t to say that I haven’t had many teary and difficult days, there were lots, especially in the first few years as I learned to adapt to living with constant pain. I could have easily given in and let it destroy me. However, I decided early on that I was not going to be that person, that the best way to manage it was to try and pretend it didn’t exist.

I first heard the words “pain management” many years before my accident and I struggled to understand the term. How can you manage pain?  Either it’s there or it isn’t. How do you manage something that you have no control over? How naive I was. However the more you dwell on pain or any problem in your life the bigger and all-encompassing it becomes. I have tried not to let it define me, I have chosen to make it only a small part of my life. Nick arrived. Malik came, I told him that I had had a horrid day.

8.30pm Nick and Khloe left. The only problems I have now are the diarrhoea and a persistent cough. I watched OITNB, lots of lesbian sex.

11pm Red Lips came in saying she had Temazepam and came in peace, she’s a funny girl, I like her. We had a lovely chat. Such gorgeous girls work here, I hope they are appreciated.

At midnight I went to sleep but I woke up twice during the night with a nearly busting bladder - by the time I unhook Roger and we get to the bathroom I am lucky to make it. Between the coughing and the sneezing I am so glad I had that bladder sling put in a couple of years ago.


Monday 24 September 2018

Day 7 Wednesday I winned! I winned! I winned!


6am I wake up with some pain at the back of my head that I hope that will go away. I haven’t mentioned it before but I do hear a sound now and then that sounds like a door not quite shutting, it slams and then bounces. It does this twice and it is always the same but it only happens intermittently. I know it’s not real as there aren’t any doors behind me so it must be a type of hallucination. It’s very annoying.

Apparently one of the young men (very young) with a long-term back injury received no relief from the infusion so they are stopping his treatment.

My lovely nurse today has a two-year-old boy and she lives in a suburb fairly near where I used to live. She says I can have two Panadiene Forte for my headache. I have breakfast, shower (still sitting on the chair), get dressed and check my phone. Marie has texted asking if she can come and visit. 

How lucky I am! I have lovely people around me, why am I so lucky, how did I get to have everything that anyone needs in life? Beautiful friends, a wonderful partner, a gorgeous daughter, sufficient money to travel and enjoy life as long as we aren’t extravagant.

Marie and I have a lovely morning, we go for a little walk around the ward. Her lovely niece brought her up to visit me because Marie has been seriously ill for the past eighteen months and can’t drive.

After Marie and her niece leave I listen to music and read the newspaper. I have to read most articles a few times to understand them and I find them more interesting than I normally would. I am easily amused in this altered state.


Nurse Red Lips told me that I have won the ketamine race! The only other person left having the infusion (he was young with little life experience and having fun with the tripping) had his infusion stopped. He had watched something dark on the television and it had upset his head space and he had gone back to being a child and wouldn’t go to the bathroom on his own as he believed there was someone in there, so the doctor had stopped the infusion.

I messaged Martina, my neighbour who helps administers ketamine infusions. I sent her a picture of the mug she gave me that I had brought to the hospital with me and told her that I had winned. I hope she is proud of me, but I reckon she knew I was going to.



In the evening Nick and Khloe come to visit. I get braver in my walking as I am so unsteady on my feet and we leave the hospital and we visit Mr Garden Bench. Some person smarter than us had turned the bench around so he now faces the garden and not the cars. We sat there and talked and enjoyed the lovely evening as a family together. 

At about 8.30 we walked back before we got locked out of the building. The sunset was grey and pink, Khloe’s favourite colours. The nurse said she saw us through the window sitting out there and we looked like a lovely family. What a nice thing to say. Khloe went home and Nick and I had a cuddle on the bed and then he went home too. Malik didn’t arrive tonight but it wasn’t important, all is good.

Kay phoned, we talked for about 45 minutes, I was lying there with the phone on my chest with the loud speaker on with my eyes closed while we were chatting. When we finished I thought it would be stupid to wake myself up again by watching a show so for the first time in my life I would go to sleep at 9.30pm. 

I pushed the buzzer for the nurse and a new nurse came, I asked her to remove my clothes from the PICC line and to please get my pills. She said “I don’t know how to do it”, and asked me “do I need the key to turn the machine off”? I said I don’t know, don’t ask me, I am on ketamine, I said that normally they just disconnect it quickly and then reconnect it. I don’t think they use the key but I can’t be sure, she leaves to get help. 

I wait and I wait, I put the bed flat, I am so tired, so much for going to sleep early. At 10.30pm she comes back, she is obviously very frazzled, these girls are so overworked. Another nurse shows her how to disconnect and reconnect quickly, key not needed. I ask for my pills again but she is so stressed she asks me if I can tell her what I have. I say two Temazepam, she says is that all and I say yes. I am slightly concerned that the ketamine patient’s word is being relied on. I feel this is wrong but I feel sorry for her as she is under so much pressure and I know I am telling the truth. I say I have been waiting for an hour, she apologises and says they were doing a transfusion. She comes back with the pills and wishes me a good night’s sleep. She’s a nice girl under too much pressure.

Sunday 23 September 2018

Day 8 Thursday


I managed to sleep but only until 3am, bummer. I lie there until 5am and then I am sick of it so I sit up and write this. For the first time since 2003 I am able to lie on my left side, normally I can only lie on my back or my right side to sleep. The nurse says she thinks it’s the ketamine that is stopping me from sleeping. It has to be, as sleeping is something I normally do well! I am now going to fill in the time until breakfast reading the newspaper. I have one more day to go, I am nearly there. The aching legs are a real nuisance so at 5.45am I ask for two Panadeine Forte.

That double door (hallucination) is still banging. I read the paper until Nurse Ben from the Philippines comes in at 8am and gives me my tablets. He is very nice with a pleasant, cheery face. I speak to Nick on the phone, Ben says they might start bringing me down tonight which means there is a slim chance of going home tomorrow. My check-out day is meant to be Saturday but I was told if I felt well enough it could be brought forward to Friday. Nick says it will have to be after he finishes work on Friday. That is good for me. Maybe Jenny can bring Pippa to the hospital and we can go home together.


I start hearing people talking and laughing, and they are inside Roger, it’s like he is a radio. How bloody ridiculous, we will be having none of that! I tell Roger “the radio” off and to cut it out, and it works and the noise stops but I don’t have so much luck with the background slamming door but hopefully it will stop soon.

I put on some music and relax and nod off and then Marie arrives, her cousin Magdalena has brought her up. Marie and Magdalena are angry and upset that Roger has now run out of special K and is carrying on at full voice. I rang the buzzer over half an hour ago but they still haven’t changed the syringe over.

I get up and drag the screaming Roger to the bathroom which is flooded from my shower over an hour ago. It’s all the way to the door, it obviously suffers from poorly designed drainage. Marie works as a nursing attendant at a large public hospital and she is horrified that I could fall over so she starts to clean the water up. Magdalena goes and finds a cleaning lady to mop it up. Magdalena is a nurse at a public hospital and neither of them is impressed at how I am being cared for. They both say waiting that long for a drug of dependence is not acceptable and that it would not happen in a public hospital.

Eventually after another half an hour (so an hour in total after it ran out) my syringe is swapped over and we go out to Mr Garden Bench and enjoy the warmth of the sun. It is so wonderful to be outside, I am so lucky that Marie has come to visit me again. I prattle on high as a kite until it is time for them to take me back to my room as they have things to do. 

Marie has been seriously ill since May 2016 - 18 months. How does she do this? She is so strong and positive, such a wonderful role model to people around her. Back on my bed Magdalena sees me reaching in my drawer for my purse and says: do you want a coffee? I ask her how does she know that is what I want? She says she does it all the time in her job. I wouldn’t think to ask a nurse to get me a coffee as they have proper work to do.

Before they leave Magdalena takes a photo of Marie and me holding hands. We have been friends since 1993, 24 years. When she is better, maybe in the spring we are going to go to Tasmania and have a girls' holiday together. They leave and I write this.


                                                                 Marie and me.

I am worried that I am coming across in my writing as a saint but everyone knows I’m not. I am a demanding person with very high standards and I do not tolerate fools but this drug is softening me so only the good parts of me are showing. The other side that rubs people up the wrong way will return in a couple of days and it might return with a vengeance! Khloe will get her bossy mum back and not the sweet mum she’s had for the last few days who will let her hold her hand.

I get up to get a cardigan for my shoulders, (so much for thinking I would be hot in hospital) and I find myself dancing like no one is watching, I’m not moving my feet but I am enjoying myself. Julia and Angus Stone’s music is on Spotify, such sweet, young siblings.

Lunch arrives. I will make myself eat the sandwiches later, I have the fruit and cheese put in the fridge for afternoon tea. They need to throw out yesterday’s fruit and cheese as I didn’t get to eat them. Hopefully I am losing some weight - can you lose two kilos in a week if you stop drinking wine, barely move and barely eat? I get a phone call from an unknown number. I let it go to message bank, Nick will sort it out tonight. That door is still double-bouncing behind me. Can someone please shut it (bloody hallucinations)!

The lovely lunch lady Molly comes in for my tray. I thank her for caring for me the other day when “the administrator” tried to make me move rooms. She said: you remember me? I said: yes you helped me, she said: I am like that I can’t see someone upset. I told her how tonight or tomorrow I was going to be coming down off the ketamine and walking into my new life. When I told her about my accident she got a bit cross with the man that went through the red light but I explained to her we couldn’t be too angry with him as there were no drugs or alcohol involved. The police thought he made a mistake and saw the green arrow and thought it was for him and went straight on. I told Molly I could have made that error and that Khloe and I heard him screaming “what have I done, what have I done?” repeatedly as we crawled out the overturned car window. I also saw his face and he was mortified. We can’t hate him, I think it’s best that he doesn’t know how it has affected my life.

I’ve still got the cough and the banging door but I can manage them. I roll onto my left side, such a strange feeling to lie on my left shoulder. I might even be able to see my family arriving through the window before they knock on the door. I enjoy the luxury of lying on my left side and then my day gets ever better. La Chica arrives and says she will be my nurse until 10pm. 

My auntie and uncle come to visit me and stay for a while. My auntie said later that it was the funniest hospital visit she had ever had as I chatted non-stop about Lucing in the sky with diamonds and tripping the light fantastic. After they left I dozed, read the paper and listened to music for the rest of the afternoon.

At 6pm I turned on the news. Now my arm is starting to hurt where the PICC line goes in. The TV is in the wrong position. It is too high and too far to the left, it hurts my neck and my arm gets worse. I ask for Panadeine Forte and La Chica brings them promptly. She explains that she can stop the ketamine if the pain becomes intolerable. I said I would take the pain-killers and manage.

Nick and Doc Malik arrive. Malik asks me why I am squirming around in bed and I tell him that I am in a lot of pain with my arm and my neck. Malik says he will arrange for an ultrasound of my arm to check for a blood clot. I tell him I have something to show him and I open a drawer that has six small bottles of wine in it. 

Every night I have ordered white wine with dinner and put it in the drawer. I thought it was absurd that a person high as a kite on ketamine should be offered wine. He said the wine was fine, I could have had my wine every night. Unbelievable! He then told me a story about a priest he was treating who went a bit overboard with the wine though and he had to tell him to back off. La Chica brings a plastic water jug full of ice and turns it into a wine cooler and pops a bottle in to cool down.



I take my glass of wine and Nick and I go to visit the charming Mr Garden Bench and chat for a while. All my pain goes away. Moving is always good - staying in one spot always increases the pain and going for a walk generally improves it. It was lovely on the bench.

I start coming down tomorrow, Friday lunchtime and I should go home Saturday at 10am.

10pm Roger runs out of ketamine. Nick goes home and 40 minutes later I am still waiting for my top- up. Apparently the nurse is transferring another patient; I feel the wait is too long, they should have more staff. I finally get topped up and given my night meds. This is when I realise I wasn’t given my extra pills last night, the ones I have to take to make the ketamine work, I think they are magnesium. You really shouldn’t rely on the word of a patient on 40mg of ketamine. I get to sleep and wake just after 1am and I drift in an out of sleep until the sun comes up at 6am and I get up and open the blind.

Saturday 22 September 2018

Day 9 Friday Goodbye Roger


This is my last day on ketamine. The night nurse comes in and they change my ketamine before it runs out – they stopped Roger from complaining before he started. Brilliant! I opened the laptop and felt I could manage to do a little work that had come in overnight. I knew I shouldn’t, that I should wait for Kay to wake up, but it was pretty simple and I triple-checked it before I finished. I read the newspaper and started to look forward to returning to normal. Apparently at midday they will start bringing me down and maybe at midnight the real Karen will return. The one that is not so gracious, warm and forgiving, the one that rubs people up the wrong way, but at least the real Karen will get to sleep through the night.

The door is still banging, the back of my neck is a little sore and my arm where I have the PICC line hurts a little. At 7.30am Nurse Kerala arrives - what a clever girl she is to get from the backwaters of beautiful Kerala, India (I have been there, on one of their dreamy boat trips), to being a nurse in a private hospital in Melbourne. Kerala girl tells me I might be able to make it to a friend’s party at Docklands tomorrow night. Which would be nice I would like to be there for him, he is such a lovely friend.

7.35am I speak to Nick on the phone. He was off to work early as he had woken up at 6 when I did. We made a bit of a plan for Saturday when I leave. We will pick up Pip the dog, go home and rest and then maybe I can go to the party for an hour or so. I like that plan. 

After having breakfast and a shower Roger and I go for an ultrasound to check the pain in my arm.

The results come back showing that I don’t have a blood clot. I return to my room at 10.30. Marie arrives immediately. It seems that everything I want and need is just happening perfectly – amazing timing. We both rest for a while, me on the bed, Marie with her eyes closed in a chair and then we go for coffee in the cafe before her son John arrives to pick her up at 12.30. I wave to John from inside the front door, Roger and I can’t go past Roger’s rumble strips (like speed bumps for cars) on the floor in front of the front door without help. 

As soon as I get back Kerala girl arrives. Apparently she had come in earlier while we were having coffee. She has a beautiful smile. She drops my ketamine 4mg to 36 and I am on my way to coming down and going home. Yay!

At 1pm I am on the phone to Nick and Kerala girl comes in and says the ultrasound has shown a small thrombosis (I am not surprised they found something as I know the difference between normal pain and pain when there is something wrong). They remove the PICC and replace it with a cannula in the back of my left hand. At 1.30 I drop another 4mg, I am getting there!

When I fill out my menu I finally manage to spell it with only one L. 

At 1.30pm Kerala girl hands me over to Beautiful Girl. What luck I have that BG will look after me until 10pm, she and Red Lips are my favourites. I say goodbye to Kerala and thank her for caring for me so wonderfully and explain to BG how hard Kerala’s journey must have been to get here. However, I know BG has her own story. I haven’t heard it yet, one day she might share it with me.

These girls are worked so hard, they don’t spend more than a couple of minutes doing something that might not be considered essential work, like talking to a patient high on ketamine. They have a punishing schedule to keep, they have worked so hard to get here and they have to keep moving forward. They can’t slow down or they know someone else will pass them and it will all have been for naught!

That door is still banging. How low will the ketamine need to get for this annoying hallucination to disappear?

Doc Malik arrives and dangles a carrot. He asks me if I would like to go home tonight. I tell him that is too hard a decision for me to make, I want to do the right thing and not jeopardise my hard work. He tells me I have done it, it’s over and I can go home! One tear runs down my cheek. I hadn’t realised how much I wanted to go home, I have been keeping myself in the zone, the right head space to do this, to make it through to the end.

We discuss how I will be from here on, he expects that pain-wise I will be the same as before. I can manage that, I know what to do. He says he doesn’t believe fentanyl works after a while and probably the only relief I have been getting is from the Panadeine Forte. He gives me permission to go to the party, winned again! I think someone has finally shut that door as I haven’t heard it for a while. Damn! It just banged again!

Just before 5pm Roger knows I am nearly done with him and starts making his presence felt – beeping away. I feel my eyes starting to open up, they have been half closed since last Saturday lunchtime. I message a few friends with my news and they all send me lovely messages back. I notice my handwriting starts to improve, I am coming back.

I get a message from Martina, saying she could feel it in her waters that I would be busting out tonight. Nick leaves home at 6pm to pick me up, Roger and I say goodbye. No tears there, I am happy to see the back of him! Then the cannula is removed and I am told I have to wait an hour. I walk four laps of the ward, the first time I have been able to walk any distance unaided since the infusion started. I then go to Mr Garden Bench to wait for Nick and give him a surprise when he arrives.

It is lovely getting home but not long after arriving I start to struggle with lower back pain, which I have never had before and I try walking around the house to alleviate it. I get quite grumpy, I suppose you can’t be “up” for that long and not come “down”.

Friday 21 September 2018

Day 10 Saturday Time to party.


From 5am to 5.15am I walk around the back room so as not to disturb Nick. It is a very small room so it’s not much fun walking circles. I put on some washing. At 8am I message Jacques the osteo for an appointment and he tells me to come in at 9.45am. 

Nick and I walk around the block to try and help the pain. We stop at a cafe for coffee. Nick then helps me walk up the two dodgy flights of stairs to Jacques’s rooms. Nick returns to collect me 15 minutes later and Jacques says to him: this is Karen tipsy, but I would be very careful as she could turn at any minute! I find this very funny, I am still in a drug-induced universe. 

We head down the Peninsula to visit my uncle and collect the dog. Jacques had told me to go for a walk in the bay for 10 to 20 minutes and it would relieve my back pain. I said that it would be too cold but he said it had been warm for days so it would be fine. So I ventured into the bay and he had lied, it was freezing cold, but it did relieve the pain.

I came home and rested for a few hours and then went to the party at Docklands. I never miss a party. I was struggling to walk because of the pain and was still unsteady on my feet, leaning on Nick’s arm like I was 100 years old. I found a seat with back support and met two gorgeous girls, because I was still high I was very open touchy/feely (not like me at all) and chatty. We went home at 9pm and I tried to sleep but the pain was getting worse.

Thursday 20 September 2018

Day 11 Sunday


The high has gone and it has been replaced with a strange sense of calm. We head out for lunch at a local cafe that is a decent walk away but not too far. It was closed for renovations and by now I need to sit down but I have no choice but to walk back home again. This is tricky and by the time I get home the back pain is increasing.

I went to the chemist, and with pride handed back the fentanyl and explain that I had detoxed and no longer need them. I deal with this pharmacist all the time but he is a dick, he doesn’t even comment or react to what to me is my momentous news. This is the problem with these types of large supermarket-like pharmacies; they have no interest in their client’s welfare. My old small town pharmacist would have been ecstatic for me and given me a big hug (not that I like hugging but I would have appreciated it). We did some grocery shopping and headed home but unfortunately this was too much exertion for me.

By the time I got home I was exhausted and the pain was increasing. Kay phoned as I walked in the door, I told her the pain was excruciating and I started to cry. The hospital had told me to phone if I needed anything so I called them and BG answered. She spoke to Nick and told him to phone Malik or go to a GP or emergency department at a hospital. Nick phoned Malik but the office works business hours. I worked hard to manage the pain and it started to subside.

The pain returned and was worse than anything I have ever felt, my pain score was 7.5 to 8. I was sweating profusely, my face was wet, this was worse than when I received multiple skull fractures.
I was struggling with the back pain, I was left in bed at the hospital for too long and it has obviously caused issues in my back but I didn’t feel the pain until the ketmaine was stopped.

I walked, I lay on the floor, I stretched. I had been taking two Panadeine Forte every four hours since Friday night. I timed them and never took them even five minutes early. I took a Celebrex (anti- inflammatory) and tried to hang in there. I didn’t want to go to emergency as I didn’t think they would help me because of the journey I had been on. These types of drugs and treatment are not the type that you can obtain unless you have a proven, extensive history. They would probably think I was some prescription drug addict.

At about 7.30pm I had had enough and we drove to the emergency that fortunately was very close to home. The staff were wonderful and I was given a bed quickly and they started tests. I decided not to mention my last week’s treatment (to Nick’s annoyance) as I thought it would complicate everything and they wouldn’t treat me. The nurse tried to put a cannula in the back of my left hand which was very bruised from the one that had been removed 48 hours before. It was too painful for me. She moved to my right elbow and it was pretty rough but she got it. I was given morphine, anti-inflammatory and oral Valium. It only gave me mild pain relief, I could manage it better but it was still tricky. I asked for more morphine but was told it wasn’t allowed and I was offered an Endone. I said I didn’t want it as I had given up on Endone years ago as it didn’t work. She asked me what worked and I said “nothing”. She convinced me to have it as it would take the edge off.

By now Nick was getting angrier and angrier about me lying to the staff so I agree to confess and we call the doctor in. This information changes her plans for me and she asks me what I want. I say I want to go home, so she sends me home with two Tramadol and two Valium to get through the night.

Khloe has arrived at home and she phones saying she knows something is wrong as the house is empty but the TV is on and mum has left a gin and tonic beside the bed! Khloe and Nick talk on the phone. At 11.30pm we get home. Nick is exhausted and wants to go to bed. I join Khloe in the other bedroom and over the next couple of hours we chat and I have two glasses of wine. I need pain relief, relax and sleep. At 2am Khloe and I agree to call it a night.

Wednesday 19 September 2018

Day 12 Monday


I manage to sleep on and off until 7am. When I wake up to find a note on Nick’s pillow. He has gone to work to pick up his laptop so he can work from home and will be back soon. At 8am I message Jacques and ask him to see me asap. Just after 9 I phone Malik’s office and they say he is in Berwick today, a 45-minute drive away. Can I get there? Absolutely!

When we arrive he takes us in immediately. I am walking hunched over with a pillow and he agrees that spending a week in bed at my age is crippling. When I was having the infusion I was so unsteady on my feet I was only ever confident enough to go to the hospital front door on my own, as I was in room 1 that wasn’t very far. Why wasn’t there a physiotherapist or osteopath available at the hospital to treat me? Why are the nurses so overworked that they don’t have time to help patients up and take them for a walk? It’s a private hospital why wasn’t I given the help I needed?

Malik explains that I am still going through withdrawal and that it takes three weeks, and I am only one week down. He gives me Tramadol slow-release and Tramadol normal, anti-inflammatory and Panadeine Forte to manage the pain. He says that I need to continue with the osteo and continue walking in water. He walks me to the door and then he asks me if I need to see a psychologist. I shoot him a deadly look and answer with a firm, no!

I get home and sleep for an hour and then go and see Jacques and he works his magic on my back. The ghastly pain has settled to a 4 ½, I need to be at a 4 to cope. I wake up at 5ish and take two Panadeine Forte. I go to the local pool and this time I walk up to my neck and I find that using a noodle for support helps to take the pressure off. I come home and try to tidy up a bit, I still haven’t finished unpacking. This isn’t like me in the past I would have pushed through and put everything away.

I watch the news, and have a little dinner. My pain is ok but I am still not me. I am not high but I am slow, my actions and reflexes are slow. I couldn’t do anything as complex as driving. Cars coming at me at an intersection would be too much to manage; I am surprised that I am allowed to drive. I write this up and see if I can concentrate enough to watch TV and relax with a little sleep – a good night’s sleep would be amazing, it’s been a long time. I take an anti-inflammatory.

Tuesday 18 September 2018

Day 13 Tuesday


I slept pretty well and woke up early in the morning and took two Panadeine Forte and the long- acting Tramadol. I answered some emails, did a little work and tackled the newspaper. I hope this is not too detailed and boring to read, but I am trying to record everything for my sake and maybe to help other people with their special K detox and the continued withdrawal afterwards. I fall asleep but the phone wakes me up at 10.30am which is good because sleeping during the day ruins any chance of a good night sleep. I did some washing, dusting and finally finished unpacking. A tidy house keeps my mind relaxed.

At 11.30am I went back to lying on the bed because I need to rest as Pip has an appointment at the vet and I will need energy to walk there and back. Normally it takes me 10 minutes each way but I had better allow 20 minutes today as I am so slow and neither my mind nor my reflexes are sharp enough to drive.

Now that my delusional, drug-induced mind is starting to clear I decide that my life hasn’t been that interesting and I no longer believe I have a book in me, I expect people would probably doze off by the time they got to page four! I managed the walk to the vet and back and then rested. I caught up on ten days of personal paperwork and a little work, then read some light magazines, I’m not sharp enough for anything too deep.

Nick came home after work and drove me to the pool. Using a noodle and my arms I got a bit further along to where I couldn’t touch the bottom. I’m starting to feel more like myself.

Monday 17 September 2018

Day 14 Wednesday


What’s the deal with waking at 6am? I am going to sleep at a normal time like 10pm and waking up at 6, the old me goes to bed at midnight and wakes up at 8.30am. I am sure it won’t last. It must be left-over from the hospital waking me at 6.30 for the obs. 

Pip and I go for a walk, do a little shopping and then visit Jacques. We discuss whether I am back to normal and decide that I am not because I had left out a fairly important word in my text to him. Jacques describes me as mellow and that’s certainly how I feel – good description. I am normally flying flat-chat from one thing to another, I like being busy, not stressed busy but just enough to keep me occupied.

I return home and manage to take a business call from a client so I speed up my speech and try to sound more upbeat than I feel as I am aware I am talking slowly and a bit flat. I try to do a little house work and write up my day so far. I turn on the TV to watch the French news which is followed by my dirty little secret, Dr Phil. I don’t believe in watching TV during the day. What a ridiculous waste of a life but if I am doing the ironing or having lunch I do turn on Dr Phil. About 2.30 I go to sleep for a while and luckily Nick phones and wakes me up at 3.30. I really don’t want to sleep during the day.

I go for a walk around the block and stop in for a chat for about half an hour with a neighbour. I still keep losing my train of thought in conversations. I come home to read a little, watch the evening news and go to the pool. I think this will be the last time I go to the pool as my back pain has improved. After I do my 20 minutes walking in the pool we go to our local pub for a meal in the beer garden. I am starting to get my appetite back but not enough to take advantage of steak night. That sounds too heavy and daunting. I have the grilled fish and we head home for a little TV and once again asleep by 10ish.

Sunday 16 September 2018

Day 15 Thursday


So here it is two weeks since I went into hospital. What a long time this is taking out of my life. I sleep much better and wake at 7.30am (a much better time) but still had a migraine during the night which is a bit of a worry - I always knew the fentanyl helped control my migraines. I have a big day today, Nick and I have lots of appointments and driving and I am a little worried how I will cope with the length of the day.

We head off at 9.15am and don’t get home until 5.30pm. However, it was successful. I managed the day with a 10-minute lie down at 2pm. I even drove on a quiet road for five minutes, I am not ready to tackle the city yet. Every day I improve but I am still slow in mind and movement. Someone I met today who knows me asked me if I am unwell - that’s my general appearance. Skipped the pool tonight.

Saturday 15 September 2018

Day 16 Friday


I woke up at 6.30am because of moderate to bad neck pain; I take the Tramadol SR and two of the quick-release ones. The back pain has thankfully moved on, the neck pain I can manage but the back pain was too much for me. I answer a very long, chatty email and when I read back over it I notice I am still missing conjunction words. I am also struggling with spelling an unusual name to transfer it from an email to a spreadsheet. It takes me a few attempts to get it right. I could have managed it if I had written it down or it was in front of me while I typed. These are all signs that my mind is still slow.

I am going to go easy on myself today and be relatively lazy as Melbourne is expecting a storm that will deliver three months of rains in 72 hours, a good excuse to stay inside. However, spending the day lounging on the bed was not a smart idea as the back pain starts to annoy. At 5.45pm I go for a walk for 15 minutes and then we head out for Thai for dinner.

However, I can’t work out why I am still feeling so spacey, why isn’t my mind normal? I’m looking forward to my mind clearing, I don’t like living “affected”. I’m not able to trust the loudness of my voice and I have to re-read texts and emails three times before sending. I have lost a noticeable amount of weight in two weeks (a positive), but I can feel my appetite returning to normal, I just need my mind to catch up.

I feel really let down today by Malik and his staff and this took an emotional toll. I contacted the office at 9am and said I needed more Tramadol to manage my back pain over the weekend. I was told that Malik wasn’t working that day but they would email him and get back to me. I waited patiently all day for a reply, at 4.45pm I phoned again and was told that he didn’t administer this drug and I needed to visit my GP. This was total rubbish as he had given me this drug on Monday and at 4.45pm my GP, who was an hour’s drive away had left for the day! I was upset and angry. I didn’t do this to myself (my accident/my pain) and I feel I have worked hard to manage this since 2003. Why am I being let down? A real low point for me.

However it was probably a good thing because my back was manageable as was my neck pain, so maybe I was relying on Tramadol too much. I counted my pills, I had six standard Tramadol, enough for three days and four slow-release, four days’ worth. On Tuesday I have an appointment with my GP for an unrelated issue so if I still need pain meds I will discuss it with her. I am worried about having to drive the hour each way to my GP and if I am not up to it I will postpone it.

I have now been home a week and it’s been tough, really tough – you have to be strong to do this, one week more of withdrawal to go.

Introduction

Prior to my hospital admission for a ketamine infusion for chronic pain I struggled to find information that would help me understand what...