Preparation

Once I had made the decision to go ahead with the infusion my current drugs seemed to be working better in managing my pain. So much of pain is psychological and just by making a decision to try something different seemed to help my perception of my pain. Maybe I don’t need this? I seem to be going ok, I can keep on this going like this, I am not that miserable.

Then I start to read and watch YouTube on people’s experiences with ketamine infusions. This could be a really great thing for me, it would be pretty amazing if I could stop using the drugs I take or take less of them. Then I start (for what I believe is the first time) feeling the psychological pull of my fentanyl patches. How would I live without the patches, that have become part of my existence?

I fill out the paperwork and sign a consent form acknowledging the potential side effects from ketamine. These include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, headaches, bad dreams, perceptual disturbances, confusion, fluctuation in blood pressure, chest pains, falls, euphoria, increased libido, liver function impairment and seizures. None of these worry me, everything has side effects, what will happen will happen.

I have two huge fears: what will I do for nine days and what if I don’t get a private room?

I go online and look at reviews for the hospital and I am not impressed with what I find. There are people complaining that they were in a mixed ward, other patients having to share rooms with people with dementia screaming through the night.

I start plotting how to get a private room. I have private health insurance, but this is TAC so my private insurance won’t cover it. Malik’s receptionist says she will request a private room and also suggests that I phone the hospital a few days before my admission and put another request in.

I discuss with friends how I am going to get a private room, I suggest I can get references from my husband and daughter stating that I am difficult to live with! My GP, Puneet, and I decide that this would work against me - why help the difficult person?

I then think anxiety is a big mental health issue now, so I will pretend I have that as surely they have to cater to mental anxiousness. However, the closer it gets to my admission date the more there is no pretending about my anxiety; I can’t do this in a shared room. I am an adult and I need space and privacy. I am the person who only allows my closest friends to stay in my house for a maximum of two nights, I can’t live with a stranger.

How important is a private room to me,? Maybe I can pay more? My husband Nick says would you pay $1000 a night? No way – but I would pay $1000 for the nine days. I discuss this with Puneet and she thinks this might be an option but I should wait and see whether I get a private room first.

As I am becoming more concerned about whether this is worth continuing with I do more research online. I come across a lady on the internet who couldn’t continue because she was suffering liver damage – now I really want it to work. Imagine going to all that effort to give up nine days of your life to be told part of the way through that they are going to stop the treatment?

I speak to Puneet about having to be admitted on Thursday when nothing happens until Friday and she agrees that I can go out for dinner on the first two nights. I am wondering whether I could stay in a local hotel or go home for those nights – think I will.

I start tackling the ”what will I do keep myself busy part of it”. I make documents of things I need to do, like tidying my inbox, catching up on business paperwork and planning our next holiday. I download lots of books, movies and TV shows – I would have to be in hospital for months to get through the work load I have organised!

I contact a handful of friends telling them that I am going to be really bored and they have to come to visit me. I am blessed with lots of wonderful friends but they are interesting, busy people but hopefully someone will come to visit.

Next thing to sort is the spoilt dog Pippa who rarely spends more than two hours on her own. She will have to spend the nine days with loved Auntie Jenny – hopefully she will be smuggled in to hospital to say hello.

Friends say that I am going to be difficult to deal with and Nick will stop visiting after the first few nights! Although the former might be true I know he will keep persevering.