Day 6 Tuesday I do not have to be first but I will not be last!

I slept until 4am, my mind is too active to sleep and I have slightly annoying restless legs. One issue I had in the night was that I knocked over my glass of water which is not unusual for me. It went all over my throw rug so I had to get up and adjust it. I would have liked to sleep longer.

I chat with Red Lips for a while and she tells me they call ketamine the drug of clarity, I tell her that I would like to speak to other patients going through this experience and see how they are feeling, what they are experiencing etc. Red Lips says the other patients are two young men and that one is happily enjoying the ride and doesn’t have a lot of life experience, but the other is feeling quite sad – the drug of clarity.

She says that the smokers who are on the infusions still manage to get themselves up and outside to have their cigarettes and there they meet others and they make friends. I can see how you would feel connected with other people going through the same experience as you but I tell her that I have no interest in speaking to young men. There is nothing they can share with me about life. How could they be in this situation when they are so young? The nurses aren’t allowed to divulge any information and I am no longer interested in talking to other ketamine patients.

I lay there happy until 8, reflecting on what a wonderful fortunate life I have. I am in a happy place. Nick and Khloe have dealt with my worry about my father finding out about it. Friends and family have removed all the stresses from me so that I can do this.

Red Lips then “lied” to me. She said they had swapped the syringe over during the night and asked me if I remembered them touching me so as not to startle me. I said that no, I didn’t remember anything and that’s when she lied, she said I was snoring and I should put that in my blog! Well, we all know that I could not possibly snore, so I will have to keep an eye on Red Lips (she is gorgeous though). She and Beautiful Girl are my favourite nurses!

I was a little worried for a while about my restless legs but I told my legs that they had to stop as they were too annoying and after that they behaved themselves, like most people do if you take charge. The people that don’t behave themselves, well you have to walk away and let them go; they are not your problem. I make a note to tell Nick I need tissues and wipes.

Let’s talk about the enabler in the room, yes Roger that’s you – the man with only one word to say. The moment you open your mouth I shut you down by pushing that little arrow on the far left of the screen. You are brainless noise that keeps popping into my head and interrupting me, you have nothing interesting to say, you have no place in my world. Roger, I have appreciated your help but I will be glad to hand you over to someone else at the end of this. Even though there are no hard feelings I hope I don’t ever have to see you or any of your family again. I have a life to lead, places to go, things to do and people to meet, I don’t have time to waste with this stuff. I need to get Nick out of his drudgery work so we can enjoy the rest of our time together. I’m going to read the paper for a while or have a shower.

Then I have a major problem! A woman from administration comes into my room and sits down in a chair next to my bed. She didn’t ask if it was ok with me to come in my room, and sit in one of my chairs, she didn’t even knock, so much for respecting patients, there is no privacy in hospitals. She then tells me that there is a person more worthy than me who needs my private room, they are not the words that she uses but that is the implication. She tries to emotionally blackmail me by saying that she isn’t asking for me, she’s asking for them. I said that if I had to give my room up I would be stopping my treatment and going home, I will only leave this room to go home. She said she would have to talk to the manager and left.

I am not a selfish person, I do not need to be number one but I will not be last! I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I have been good, I have not given in to this pain and crawled into a hole. I have not taken to my bed, I have continued to work. The day after my accident I went to work, I couldn’t put on my own shoes, and in hindsight if you can’t put your own shoes on you shouldn’t go to work! I have ticked all the right boxes and got on with my life, so why should I be the least important patient in this hospital?

That guilt-trip woman has to go. I did not do this to myself, I did not go through a red light and hit me, someone else did this to me! I have worked hard to make the best of the situation, please let me finish my treatment in privacy.

By the time the lovely lunch lady Molly came to bring me my meal I was pretty well hysterical. I was on the phone to Nick and was sobbing to him telling him that they were derailing me, all that hard work I had done to stay positive has been ripped from me by a heartless administrator. How dare she do that to me, how can she be allowed to come into my room and shatter all the hard work I had done, how? 

Sweet Molly came back with the manager Rolf and a lovely nurse, who were very kind and understanding. They supported me and gave me half a Valium, Nick was worried they were trying to shut me up with the Valium, but I was a mess and definitely needed to calm down. The nurse asked if there was anyone that could come and sit with me but I said it’s Tuesday, everyone is at work. Nick spoke to Rolf the manager and it is all sorted, I have this room until I finish. I have calmed down now and am trying to get back to my happy place. I do not have to be first but I will not be last!

                                  As hard as I try I can't seem to write milk without a double l.

I try to sleep but keep getting hung up on the morning’s drama. I managed to talk to Kay about some work and told her I was having trouble getting past what had happened to me. Kay said I had no choice I just had to move on, and she told me later that I answered her with a firm: yes, you are right, that is what I will do! I am a black and white personally normally and this drug is making me more so.

I watched my OITNB, trying to improve my mood. I was also trying to control my restless legs so I decided to go to the pharmacy about buying some wipes. I have diarrhoea which is apparently a side effect of withdrawal. I walked to the pharmacy dragging Roger with one hand and using the support railing on the wall with the other. Luckily being in room 1 means the front door and the pharmacy are very close. I went to the pharmacy to find out how much they cost and then went then back to my room to get money (I don’t know why I just didn’t take money with me, nor do I know why I didn’t charge it to my room). I took $10 and returned to the shop and bought the wipes. This seemed like a massive achievement to do this on my own, like a normal person. Later in the afternoon when I got up to go to the bathroom I found $10 lying on the bedroom floor, maybe I’m not that normal person after all. Where did it come from?

Dinner arrived and it was very strange; risotto with chips - (carbs anyone?), zucchini and corn.

The food has been really poor and tasteless (the sprinkled pepper in the photo is from the pepper grinder I brought from home). I watched the 6pm news, I wish the nurses would wear name tags or write their name on the whiteboard as I am really struggling to remember their names and they are all so lovely and caring to me that I feel bad when I can’t remember their names.

Khloe came to visit and I had to explain to her why I deserved the private room, there are so many reasons. She is old enough now to know the truth. I have worked hard for the past 14 years not to let the accident ruin my life, I have never taken an anti-depressant or any other type of mental health drugs.That isn’t to say that I haven’t had many teary and difficult days, there were lots, especially in the first few years as I learned to adapt to living with constant pain. I could have easily given in and let it destroy me. However, I decided early on that I was not going to be that person, that the best way to manage it was to try and pretend it didn’t exist.

I first heard the words “pain management” many years before my accident and I struggled to understand the term. How can you manage pain?  Either it’s there or it isn’t. How do you manage something that you have no control over? How naive I was. However the more you dwell on pain or any problem in your life the bigger and all-encompassing it becomes. I have tried not to let it define me, I have chosen to make it only a small part of my life. Nick arrived. Malik came, I told him that I had had a horrid day.

8.30pm Nick and Khloe left. The only problems I have now are the diarrhoea and a persistent cough. I watched OITNB, lots of lesbian sex.

11pm Red Lips came in saying she had Temazepam and came in peace, she’s a funny girl, I like her. We had a lovely chat. Such gorgeous girls work here, I hope they are appreciated.

At midnight I went to sleep but I woke up twice during the night with a nearly busting bladder - by the time I unhook Roger and we get to the bathroom I am lucky to make it. Between the coughing and the sneezing I am so glad I had that bladder sling put in a couple of years ago.