Day 16 Friday

I woke up at 6.30am because of moderate to bad neck pain; I take the Tramadol SR and two of the quick-release ones. The back pain has thankfully moved on, the neck pain I can manage but the back pain was too much for me. I answer a very long, chatty email and when I read back over it I notice I am still missing conjunction words. I am also struggling with spelling an unusual name to transfer it from an email to a spreadsheet. It takes me a few attempts to get it right. I could have managed it if I had written it down or it was in front of me while I typed. These are all signs that my mind is still slow.

I am going to go easy on myself today and be relatively lazy as Melbourne is expecting a storm that will deliver three months of rains in 72 hours, a good excuse to stay inside. However, spending the day lounging on the bed was not a smart idea as the back pain starts to annoy. At 5.45pm I go for a walk for 15 minutes and then we head out for Thai for dinner.

However, I can’t work out why I am still feeling so spacey, why isn’t my mind normal? I’m looking forward to my mind clearing, I don’t like living “affected”. I’m not able to trust the loudness of my voice and I have to re-read texts and emails three times before sending. I have lost a noticeable amount of weight in two weeks (a positive), but I can feel my appetite returning to normal, I just need my mind to catch up.

I feel really let down today by Malik and his staff and this took an emotional toll. I contacted the office at 9am and said I needed more Tramadol to manage my back pain over the weekend. I was told that Malik wasn’t working that day but they would email him and get back to me. I waited patiently all day for a reply, at 4.45pm I phoned again and was told that he didn’t administer this drug and I needed to visit my GP. This was total rubbish as he had given me this drug on Monday and at 4.45pm my GP, who was an hour’s drive away had left for the day! I was upset and angry. I didn’t do this to myself (my accident/my pain) and I feel I have worked hard to manage this since 2003. Why am I being let down? A real low point for me.

However it was probably a good thing because my back was manageable as was my neck pain, so maybe I was relying on Tramadol too much. I counted my pills, I had six standard Tramadol, enough for three days and four slow-release, four days’ worth. On Tuesday I have an appointment with my GP for an unrelated issue so if I still need pain meds I will discuss it with her. I am worried about having to drive the hour each way to my GP and if I am not up to it I will postpone it.

I have now been home a week and it’s been tough, really tough – you have to be strong to do this, one week more of withdrawal to go.