tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68299592930457192022024-03-21T20:19:10.532-07:00Karen's Ketamine InfusionKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-2692989409732100842018-10-09T17:34:00.000-07:002019-03-06T22:29:33.293-08:00Introduction<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Prior to my hospital admission for a ketamine infusion for chronic pain I
struggled to find information that would help me understand what I was getting
myself into. What would it be like, what would happen to me, what would I be
doing for the nine days of the hospital stay? This blog follows my experience
from deciding to have the ketamine infusion, my expectations and journey
through it and out the other side many months later.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I am planning on videoing every day so I can chronicle and
upload my experience. I have never done something like this before but I am
motivated by how little information I could find and, importantly, how little Australian
information.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have found it difficult to decide whether I am writing
in the past or the present as my writings have also been fluid. Please excuse
me if I drift between the two depending on how I was/am feeling at the time.</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have no expectations on the end result of the infusion, as
my pain specialist Raph said many years ago: Karen. Nothing will take your pain away. To
imagine not taking any pain meds and for my pain to go away is like believing
in fairy tales.</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
My inability to get a clear picture of what it was going to
be like made me determined to document my own experience, so hopefully someone
else who is looking for information will find my journey helpful.<br />
<br />
My desire for this blog is for it to become a place where people can share their experiences with having ketamine infusions. I would like to see it develop into a useful resource for people looking for information before they make a choice whether they will have this treatment. If you would like to share your experience please send me an email to: ketmainekaren@gmail.com You will find other people's perspectives at the very end of this blog.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-80933220077077728082018-10-08T17:22:00.000-07:002018-10-31T16:47:30.378-07:00Background<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2003 I was involved in a car accident that left me with
severe neck pain, degenerative changes in discs and restricted movement in my
left arm. I can give a long, detailed history of my prescription drug history,
different procedures and treatments that I have had since the car accident. However
I don’t believe that it is relevant to this blog.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Prior to the ketamine infusion I was on 25mg of Durogesic (fentanyl)
patches that I changed every 72 hours, along with 10mg of Endep (<span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">amitriptyline hydrochloride</span>) every night and a top-up of
usually two Panadeine Forte (<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">paracetamol and codeine phosphate hemihydrates)</span>
about mid afternoon every day. There were also days when I needed two Panadeine
Forte at 8am so I could get out of bed. Some days I would take four of them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I am very careful not to abuse pain killers and if I feel I
need to take more than two Panadeine Forte a day then I really think about
whether I need it, or whether I just think I need it. My pain specialist says I
am on the equivalent of 85mg of morphine, I don’t know why I’m not a zombie but
I do struggle getting up in the mornings. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do know that you have a choice about pain and how you
choose to let it affect your life and I manage mine by pretending it doesn’t
exist. When I am struggling I remind myself of one of my first visits to Raph, my pain specialist and he showed me the front of a book on pain. On the cover was a drawing of a cartoon character walking up and down along a graph with changing curves. He said to me: the line on the graph represents pain, it is always changing. His comments have stayed with me and on a bad day I know that there will be better days in the future.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have adapted my life to manage my problem, I try to limit
my driving, I can drive somewhere if it is an hour each way but I can only do
this once a week. My car is modified so I drive with a spinner/knob - this means I don't have to use my left arm. I can’t carry a
handbag or any shopping but walking is really good for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The restricted movement and pain I have is part of me and after
14 years I don’t know any difference. It's how you deal with it that is
important. I am lucky that the more I move, the more I walk the better I am.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
However this blog is not about my history but my future and
whether this procedure will help me. </div>
</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-48209386373890497092018-10-07T17:35:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:12:59.248-07:00Two months before<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been seeing Dr Raph, in inner
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, since 2003 and in September 2017 I was
struggling with my pain so he suggested that I should see a colleague of
his, Dr Malik, to discuss whether a ketamine infusion might be useful in helping
me manage my pain better.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Malik was very friendly and pleasant and asked me various
questions about my medical history. He said that everyone had different experiences
and outcomes with a ketamine infusion - some people could be pain-free for a
month, three months, six months, a year or maybe it wouldn’t make any
difference at all. I decided it was worth the nine days out of my life to take
the gamble that I could be pain-free for a while. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Malik didn’t give me a lot of
information on what to expect, apart from the fact that I would have to stay in
the hospital for nine days and, even though it is possible for me to work
remotely, he didn’t think I should continue working during this time.</div>
</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-2735946347141419652018-10-06T17:44:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:13:59.214-07:00My hunt for information<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to find out more about what I was going to be going
through so firstly I asked my neighbour Martina who is a nurse. She said that
she is often involved with the administration of ketamine infusions so I
decided she was a good place to start. Martina said: we start you off really
high and then start decreasing the amount and we ask you how you are feeling a
lot. You might experience hallucinations – you will be fine. I did not find
that this really helped me understand, I needed more information.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I searched online but could find very little. I
found a couple of people’s blogs or attempted blogs. They would start off writing
but after a day or two into their hospital stay they would stop. I was later to have the answer on why this occurs.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From friends and family I received sideways looks and comments
like, “you’ll be having a great time” or “special K, ah....... “ How could I
possibly have a good time in a hospital room on my own or maybe, even worse, in a shared room!</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-41319276836119639462018-10-05T17:47:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:14:22.263-07:00My concerns<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My concerns in agreeing to the infusion are mainly related
to the long hospital stay, at this stage, more important to me than
whether it will benefit me. I lead a busy business and social life and being
restricted to hospital for nine days is very concerning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I wasn’t happy to find that the hospital was a suburban
private hospital 30 minutes' drive away when we live within easy walking
distance of many private hospitals in inner city Melbourne.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dr Malik told me that he did these procedures in the first week
of each month and it would depend on when/if my TAC (Traffic Accident
Commission) approval came through when I could be booked in. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As it was now
September 2017 there are only a few months left to fit it in before the end of
the year and summer holidays. After waiting a few weeks I phoned TAC and to my
surprise the person I spoke to said she could approve it over the phone. It was
approved straight away, which made me wish I had phoned earlier. I then contacted
Malik’s office and was booked in for 6 weeks time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was told I would be admitted on a Thursday afternoon and that
on Friday afternoon a PICC line (peripherally inserted central catheter) would be inserted and on Saturday the treatment
would start. I found this quite frustrating, that I will be admitted on a
Thursday and nothing really starts until Saturday. I hate the idea of being in
hospital, stuck in hospital, restricted freedom and restricted privacy – what
if I don’t get a private room?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Malik’s receptionist said they used to admit people on a
Friday but they sat around all day and weren’t given a bed until quite late in
the day so it was decided a Thursday admission was better.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-36465043758354063402018-10-04T17:53:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:14:49.399-07:00Preparation<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once I had made the decision to go ahead with the infusion
my current drugs seemed to be working better in managing my pain. So much of
pain is psychological and just by making a decision to try something different
seemed to help my perception of my pain. Maybe I don’t need this? I seem to be
going ok, I can keep on this going like this, I am not that miserable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I start to read and watch YouTube on people’s experiences
with ketamine infusions. This could be a really great thing for me, it would be
pretty amazing if I could stop using the drugs I take or take less of them.
Then I start (for what I believe is the first time) feeling the psychological
pull of my fentanyl patches. How would I live without the patches, that have
become part of my existence?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fill out the paperwork and sign a consent form
acknowledging the potential side effects from ketamine. These include dizziness,
nausea, vomiting, headaches, bad dreams, perceptual disturbances, confusion,
fluctuation in blood pressure, chest pains, falls, euphoria, increased libido,
liver function impairment and seizures. None of these worry me, everything has side effects, what will happen will happen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have two huge fears: what will I do for nine days and what
if I don’t get a private room?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I go online and look at reviews for the hospital and I am
not impressed with what I find. There are people complaining that they were in
a mixed ward, other patients having to share rooms with people with dementia
screaming through the night.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start plotting how to get a private room. I have private
health insurance, but this is TAC so my private insurance won’t cover it. Malik’s
receptionist says she will request a private room and also suggests that I phone the hospital a few days before my admission and put another request in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I discuss with friends how I am going to get a private room,
I suggest I can get references from my husband and daughter stating that I am
difficult to live with! My GP, Puneet, and I decide that this would work against
me - why help the difficult person?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I then think anxiety is a big mental health issue now, so I
will pretend I have that as surely they have to cater to mental anxiousness.
However, the closer it gets to my admission date the more there is no pretending
about my anxiety; I can’t do this in a shared room. I am an adult and I need space
and privacy. I am the person who only allows my closest friends to stay in my
house for a maximum of two nights, I can’t live with a stranger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How important is a private room to me,? Maybe I can pay
more? My husband Nick says would you pay $1000 a night? No way – but I would
pay $1000 for the nine days. I discuss this with Puneet and she thinks this
might be an option but I should wait and see whether I get a private room
first.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I am becoming more concerned about whether this is worth continuing
with I do more research online. I come across a lady on the internet who
couldn’t continue because she was suffering liver damage – now I really want it
to work. Imagine going to all that effort to give up nine days of your life to
be told part of the way through that they are going to stop the treatment?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I speak to Puneet about having to be admitted on Thursday
when nothing happens until Friday and she agrees that I can go out for dinner on
the first two nights. I am wondering whether I could stay in a local hotel or
go home for those nights – think I will.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start tackling the ”what will I do keep myself busy part
of it”. I make documents of things I need to do, like tidying my inbox,
catching up on business paperwork and planning our next holiday. I download
lots of books, movies and TV shows – I would have to be in hospital for months
to get through the work load I have organised!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I contact a handful of friends telling them that I am going
to be really bored and they have to come to visit me. I am blessed with lots of
wonderful friends but they are interesting, busy people but hopefully someone
will come to visit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next thing to sort is the spoilt dog Pippa who rarely spends
more than two hours on her own. She will have to spend the nine days with loved
Auntie Jenny – hopefully she will be smuggled in to hospital to say hello.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Friends say that I am going to be difficult to deal with and
Nick will stop visiting after the first few nights! Although the former might
be true I know he will keep persevering.</div>
</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-45178464183839377852018-10-03T18:59:00.000-07:002019-03-06T22:30:56.735-08:008 days out 17/11/17<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The concern about what will I do for nine days has now changed
to: will I be able to achieve all I want in nine days? My lists are growing, I
have business paperwork to do but I am concerned I might not be able to concentrate
enough to work or study. A friend also suggests that I download audio books in
case reading is difficult. Now I am
worried that I am too prepared, my fear of having nothing to do seems to have
made me very busy. For someone who doesn’t believe she is a worrier I am
doing a lot of worrying! I’m also not getting much sympathy from people close
to me who say they would love to have nine days with nothing to do, lucky me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I discuss the drug changes with my wonderful osteopath,
Jacques, who says you are going to be so much sharper when you come off the fentanyl.
I ask him whether we want me any sharper and he agrees that we don’t!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To cover for the fact that I am disappearing for nine days I
try telling people that I am having “a procedure” but I find this prompts more
questions so I am now saying I’m having “a medication adjustment” and that
seems to be working better, plus it’s the truth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My business partner Kay and I run an online business so we
can work anywhere. She asks me to step away from our business for the nine days
but I refuse to, saying I will be bored, I’ll need to work. She looks very
worried so I say: ok I promise that if you tell me that I am out of line I will agree to stop
working. She looks even more concerned and says and what if you don’t listen to
me? I reply with: how about if both you and Nick tell me I have to stop working
I promise to do so? She still doesn’t look happy but agrees to this compromise.</div>
Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-71630909597383368642018-10-02T02:29:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:15:43.053-07:00Packing<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am starting to pack my case, plus I will have other bags
ready for Nick to bring up if I need them – have I mentioned I like to be
organised?<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Clothing - what will I wear and why can’t I find information
on this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are apps for packing a
suitcase for a holiday but no information on packing for a ketamine stay. I
don’t know much about hospital stays nowadays but I think the days of getting
into your P.Js the day before your operation are over and now you’re encouraged
to wear normal, casual clothes during the day if you aren’t really unwell. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am inspired by my friend Penny. When she was going though
chemotherapy, she got up every day and dressed, put on her make up as if going to work and then lay on the couch for the day. My plan is to get up
every morning and get dressed as normal, but I am expecting hospital to be hot.
I also know I will have a drip in my arm so I am choosing T–shirts that expose
my elbow and casual pants. I do not want to be in P.Js throughout the day, I am
not sick. Every morning I will have a shower and put on basic make-up, that’s
how I present to the world normally so I intend to continue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need to plan my medication, giving this over to someone
else to control is not easy for me. I am always responsible for my medication
and I follow all prescribed guidelines, however in hospital this will be taken
away from me so this is a bit tricky. I understand why I will no longer be
responsible but the lack of personal control is an issue for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the ketamine infusion is happening under
no circumstances would I self-administer any form of medication as this is well
outside my normal treatment. However, I am being admitted at 3pm on Thursday and
the ketamine infusion doesn’t start until Saturday – I will not be relying on
busy nurses who don’t understand my pain needs to give me my pain medication
during this time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As well as the pain from the car accident I also suffer with
migraines and use Imigran nasal spray when needed, which is usually between 4am to 7am once or twice a month. In the days before the ketamine infusion I will
not ask/beg for my Imigran or Pandeine Forte, I will take them as required. When
you have managed your own pain relief for a long time it is unrealistic to hand
it over completely to someone else who has little understanding of your
situation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The lack of a private room is still worrying me, thinking of
having to share, and maybe with someone of the opposite sex is stressing me. I
fill out the hospital admission forms and write on them that I am anxious about
this. </div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-19844378919229876932018-10-01T19:46:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:16:16.726-07:00Two days before admission<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I contact the hospital two days before my admission to
request a private room and I am finally told the truth; TAC patients are only
given shared rooms. I ask if I can pay extra and am told it is $50 a night – a
bargain!!! Yes please!! It comes with the disclaimer “if there is one
available”. The hospital says if I phone back at lunchtime on my admission day I
will be told if I have a private room.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-28059098190861151722018-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:16:47.077-07:00Day 1 Admission Day Thursday 16/11/17<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I phone at lunchtime and it isn’t good news, the hospital is booked out and I will be sharing. At this stage I am ready to bail, I ask
if there is the possibility of moving to a private room the following day but am
told there isn’t a guarantee. I spend most of the day crying on and off as nine
days in a hospital for a procedure that has a slim chance of working is a big
ask, but having to share a room is the final straw for me. Nick tells me that if I can’t
continue it’s ok and we can go home, but I decide to hang onto the belief that
I will get my room when it is important, in two days' time.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We arrive at the hospital mid-afternoon and the admissions
lady says that she is aware that I am happy to pay for a private room and tells
me to keep on insisting on it. As I am taken by a nurse to the room I am crying on and off. Other nurses come to check on
me and are trying to help the situation, the staff are all lovely. I have the
curtain totally around my bed, trying to make my own private room. My roommate
is elderly and quiet but she has her television on continually which I find
annoying, but it is very low so she is doing her best.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am told I am getting a PICC line in tomorrow and this
requires an x-ray and a doctor. Up unto now I haven’t been given any
information about this procedure so this comes as a surprise.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Nick and our daughter Khloe arrive after work and we all go
out to a local restaurant for dinner. After they go home I go back to my room,
do some work and try hard to keep my emotions in check.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My room is right next to the nurse’s station and the
patient’s buzzers go off loudly and constantly. I count the time between the
buzzers and on average they are every 10 seconds, I try closing the door but
it doesn’t make any difference. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 11pm the nurse comes in to take my blood pressure and
check my oxygen levels which I think is unnecessary as there isn’t anything
wrong with me. Surprisingly she says that I’m not making the
required oxygen levels and I should take some deep breaths. I speak to her
about the fact that I can only do the next nine days if I have my own space and
that I don’t know how I am going to sleep. She is lovely and says she will try
to message the doctor to arrange a sleeping pill, but obviously it is very late. She also says she will see if she can get me moved tomorrow. I am also told that another lady who was booked in for the infusion at the same time as me has left because she didn't get a private room - I am almost hot on her heels.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She comes back at 12 and gives me what I think she said was
a Valium. I feel like such a baby but it seems that the older I get
the more important it is that I get what I need. Growing up in the 60’s meant
being seen and not heard and downplaying all emotion. It has taken me until this
stage of my life to be able to voice my emotions and not to pretend that I am
ok when I know I’m not, and now I know I need help.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-5313656285561946792018-09-29T00:26:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:17:19.814-07:00Day 2 Friday PICC Line<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s now 12.24am on night one, the sensible, no fuss lady I
am sharing with has been asleep for a while and she doesn’t even snore, so how
can I complain about sharing a room with her? Update: it’s 12.30 and she is
snoring.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t believe what the Valium does, it takes my stress away,
I’m not spaced out or anything I just feel calmer and less stressed, amazing. I
sleep a little but by 2am I’m up again and that’s the real concern about a
shared room, you don’t want to upset the neighbour on the other side of the
curtain, it’s so absurdly close to be living next door to a stranger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I go out to the nurse’s station, they suggest they could
give me Panadiene Forte. However I am not interested in their offer of
Panadiene Forte, I am not in pain, I just can’t sleep so I say no thanks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They then suggest Endone<span style="background: white; color: #222222;"> (oxycodone hydrochloride)</span> while I am thinking over
whether this will help me (as I usually find it useless) they explain its
properties to me so I decide if it will help me sleep I will take one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sit on the couch in the common area on my laptop and the
internet until 4.30am and then go to bed, I doze on and off until 6.30am (I am
so grateful for my neighbours lack of snoring). I am woken up at 6.30am to
check my blood pressure which I think is ridiculous as I am not ill, only to be
told it’s too low!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get up, shower, get dressed and put on make-up, I am
determined to be dressed and be me every day, I am not ill.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The manager promises me a private room today, this makes all
the difference - I can do this if I have my own space.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the afternoon I am
taken by wheelchair (weird) to the radiology to have the PICC line inserted - it
is used to give medication directly into the blood stream. My right arm is
disinfected and prepared for the line. I would have preferred my left as I need
my right as it is my dominant arm and the use of my left arm is restricted
because of the accident, but the right it is. The vein is found and marked by
ultrasound and I am given a local anesthetic injection in the site just above
my elbow on the inside. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The injection is quite painful and I do bring my knees
up, curl my toes and make some ouch noises, then the pain is over and the line
(a smallish tube) goes into my arm. I was told I wouldn’t feel anything but when
it reaches the front of my neck I certainly felt a gulp as it went around the
corner to my chest. However it wasn’t painful and true to their word I couldn’t
feel it afterwards.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQR5sRyR-vXKeWdEyHCeqtI32XIj1dGxLqG7hQtISyW8FnWC9-tDdZ5deNlHYsv9Rr6exCTR_6RZkA4f0yKLdfJUffn1fB9d-eHHj2d7iGh3EgQRCIxjeyMci6vyaCwz_H0qGHpJj3byc/s1600/PICC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="778" data-original-width="1600" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQR5sRyR-vXKeWdEyHCeqtI32XIj1dGxLqG7hQtISyW8FnWC9-tDdZ5deNlHYsv9Rr6exCTR_6RZkA4f0yKLdfJUffn1fB9d-eHHj2d7iGh3EgQRCIxjeyMci6vyaCwz_H0qGHpJj3byc/s320/PICC.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not long after that I was moved to my private room. It’s
amazing, there is space and I can keep my door shut and pretend it’s a hotel
room. I can unpack my suitcase, fill the drawers and the cupboard plus leave my
personal things out in the bathroom. Sharing sucks. I am so excited you would
think I was checking into a penthouse suite on a world cruise. I can do this
now!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My room is so quiet, I can’t hear the constant dinging of
the patient’s buzzers, nor do I need to answer phone calls in a whisper and leave
the room for fear of disturbing my unknown roommate. Now and then the nurses
ask me whether I need anything for pain, I tell them I am fine, but I don’t let
on that I have my own medication so am managing it myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The PICC line is more painful than I expected, it’s not
horrible, but it’s not comfortable. Nick arrives after work and we go out to the local
shopping plaza and then to a restaurant for dinner. When I get back I try to sleep, I need to
sleep and finally about 11.30pm go to sleep.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-62969243666692788822018-09-28T04:02:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:17:46.100-07:00Day 3 Saturday The ketamine starts<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I sleep until 6 in my great,
quiet room. I have breakfast, shower, dress, put my make-up on, make my bed and
read until my friend Anastasia arrives about 9am.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9.15am The Ketamine is started on the lowest dose, 2mg, it’s
a continual feed into your body so there aren’t any ups and downs. Every hour
it is increased by 2mg until you get to either the no- tolerance zone, which is
usually identified by having hallucinations, nausea or vomiting or to the top
limit of 40mg.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The nurse asks me my pain score, on a normal day it’s four
so I tell her four but really it is five but I know that is only because I
haven’t been moving around much. She says my 4 would be someone else’s 7.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anastasia manages my new mate, the machine that administers
the ketamine. I name him Roger, and we all go to the cafe for coffee and vanilla
slice. We then go outside and down the path to a nice bench under a gumtree (Mr
Garden Bench). We return to the room at 10.10 for a top-up and then repeat this
every hour until Anastasia leaves at 12.30pm. I make some phone calls and do
some work.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few words about Roger: his official name is an intravenous
infusion pump and his job is to administer the ketamine intravenously to my
circulatory system. The ketamine comes in what looks like a long, very large
syringe. Two nurses need to oversee the changeover of the syringe when it runs
out and the front part of the machine where it goes is only opened with a key.
Roger has two electrical leads that plug into a power point behind my bedside
table, luckily I have bought a power board from home so I can keep the leads
closer to me as I need to unplug both leads if I want to move from the immediate
area on the right side of the bed. When Roger is unplugged he runs on a
battery.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 1.45pm I start to feel that it is affecting my mind. I
feel a little altered so call my business partner Kay to let her know that
something is going on. Nick arrives and I start to feel a little unpleasant and
strange – this is not something that you would do for fun. My sense of smell is
heightened and I find the diffuser I had bought in overpowering and ask Nick
to move it to the other side of the room. I didn’t feel hungry but I have a
small piece of fruit and after having one piece eat the rest of the small bowl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2.25pm I am increased to 12mg and I tell the nurses I feel a
little altered. We take Roger out for a walk to the bench under the gumtree
until it was time for the next increase. My time perception seems a little
altered: has it been 10 minutes or 45? My thought process seems to be moving
around a bit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
3.27pm I’m increased to 14mg per hour and I do some work, typing this document. The unusual feelings come and go, none of the new
feelings seem to be constant.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4.22pm It’s increased to 16mg and I believe I am still managing
to work ok, it’s just taking me longer to process and I need to triple-check
what I am doing, but at least I know that I need to triple check.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
5.17pm I’m increased to 18 and my pain score drops to 2,
unbelievable, in a good way</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6.07pm Doc Malik comes just after 6 and I know that this is
the time he arrives as I am watching the news, the same as when he arrived the previous
night, so why am I surprised to see him?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He explains a little more of what will be going on, saying that it will be a similar feeling to being drunk and I’m not to feel scared. He
and Nick say that I shouldn’t be working but I think I can still continue at
this stage. I don’t scare easily but I do feel very unprepared, cognitively and
psychologically. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7.16pm This feeling is not pleasurable, it is slightly uncomfortable;
you would not choose to do this. My head feels a little heavy at the front on
the right side where I have previously had skull fractures (I am very accident-prone). The pain comes and goes, nothing is consistent.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My father doesn’t realise I am in hospital and I ask Nick to
manage any emails from him as I am stressing that I will forget to check them
and if I don’t reply to an email he might phone. I don’t want him to know I am
in hospital as then he will ring me every day, maybe multiple times a day, and I
can’t cope with that pressure on a normal day let alone while I am in this
state.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7.27pm The dose is increased for the final time tonight, I ask
the nurse what name she wants to be known by in this blog, she chooses “Beautiful
Girl”, BG, perfect! I don’t like that I don’t know her name, I want to speak to
the manager about name tags and the nurses writing their names on the white
board in my room to help me remember.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We go for a walk and I feel a little unsteady on my feet,
I’m certainly flaky but not off with the pixies. Small underlying stresses in
my mind are easily making me cry. It’s strange to try and understand that I
will be in this state for up to a week; it’s not a pleasant thought as I am not
feeling comfortable in my own skin.<br />
<br />
8.21pm Nick goes home which is fine as I would really like
to watch a trashy TV show and not feel that I should be doing something else. But I can’t as there are things I have to do, I need to
write this, I need to understand what is going on and I understand things by
writing them down. I need to talk about pain, the big ugly secret of my life.
But am I brave enough? Possibly not. Bringing it out in the open serves no
purpose so why would you do that and waste time and effort on it, better to
enjoy life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is this new thing that nurse Beautiful Girl talks
about, the no-pain option. Is this a realistic option? It’s a very interesting
thing to consider I will have to put some thought into it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So now I have to make a choice between three things that I
want to do. 1. Watch OITNB (Orange is the New Black) 2. Explore the no-pain
zone in my head or 3. Phone Nick because I said I would. And I might like a
chocolate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8.38pm I’m going to watch OITNB and eat a little chocolate.
How can I be like this for a week? It’s not possible. I discovered that the
chocolate is not in reach – my life is now ruled by how far I can move from
Roger without doing the unplugging thing, which is currently annoying. So no
more typing, I am going to watch OITNB.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10pm I loved the show, it was perfect for my head space right
now, it was also good that I could replay any bits that I was struggling to
follow. I went to the loo and of course while I was in there the nurses came to
change over. BG said that she was leaving and would be back tomorrow afternoon
and that I had done very well today. What does that mean, that I have done well?
I try my best at everything I do but in this situation what or who am I
competing with? Well compared to what or whom? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After they left I got changed for bed only to find that I
couldn’t get totally out of my clothes as the PICC lines went through my right
sleeve, my new nurse (a weekend agency nurse) said he would be back when he had seen everyone else so I’ve
climbed into bed to wait for him. My brain tells me I should think about
sleeping but I would like to watch another show or maybe phone Kay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kay didn’t answer, so I watched another show and finally at
11pm (an hour after I had asked for help) the nurse came in. Without warning me
or asking me if it was ok he shoves his hand up the inside of my top, brushes
past my boob and unhooks my lines from the clothes. I do not feel dignified but
more like an elderly, frail lady who needs assistance in getting changed. He
then picks up my clothes and puts them on top of me. Is this how I am meant to
sleep with my clothes piled on top of me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGtTX7PO1_yVNx8Im-dKsm5Fa84-DfSbgX_010USljmmMNAIOoKxJcc8pjRr18hAYr1quOSST0umKSYpiLRRRiK1RPI1p35bfgMQl9OiGYumb6yzyBVv9R2vDDpBMdpbXmfzlgjt1Xj0/s1600/clothes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGtTX7PO1_yVNx8Im-dKsm5Fa84-DfSbgX_010USljmmMNAIOoKxJcc8pjRr18hAYr1quOSST0umKSYpiLRRRiK1RPI1p35bfgMQl9OiGYumb6yzyBVv9R2vDDpBMdpbXmfzlgjt1Xj0/s320/clothes.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After he leaves (he doesn't shut my door) I get up to move them to a chair. I then discover that
he has plugged Roger in on the far wall, I can’t reach the plugs at all! I get
down under the foot of the bed and work out how the brake on the bed releases
so I can move the bed away from the wall and get in behind it to get to the
power point and move Roger’s leads back to my side of the bed. He really is a
dick! None of this sounds like a big deal unless you are in the middle of a ketamine
infusion which means I am very unsteady in my physical movements and everything
takes a huge thought process. I get the bed back in position, put the brake
back on, close my door, and try to go to sleep. It is so ridiculous that I had to do all of
that. In my state it’s a big job and I’m surprised I managed it all without
falling over but I didn’t want him back in my room.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-54681374842496812302018-09-27T02:57:00.000-07:002019-12-29T01:14:44.496-08:00Day 4 Sunday Karen has left the building<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just after midnight I try to settle down to sleep, by 12.45am
I knew it wasn’t going to work so I asked for and received a sleeping pill. I had
trouble getting to sleep with the visual and sound disturbances
(hallucinations) keeping me awake but I think I must have dropped off after 1.30am. I woke up just before 3am as the nurse came in to take my blood
pressure. I said I was having trouble sleeping, he didn’t comment, acknowledge
I had spoken or offer any suggestions. I am very unimpressed with the level of
care offered by this nurse; all the other nurses have been lovely. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3.30am I give up on trying to sleep and ask for a sleeping pill
and am told that sleeping pills aren’t permitted after 2am as you will be drowsy
during the day: I respond with, I’m not drowsy, that’s the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse doesn’t answer, he just leaves. I
am wondering why it would matter if I was a bit drowsy during tomorrow morning
as I am in here for another 6 days so even though I know it’s not good to
disrupt the day/night sleep pattern it’s the beginning of the infusion and it’s
not like I have anywhere I need to be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3.45am I give up on the sleep thing and am pleased that the
sound and visual disturbances have stopped. I start reading the newspaper,
doing some blog writing and munching on a few salt and vinegar chips. I certainly
feel very unsupported by this nurse and I will be letting someone know. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hospital internet isn’t working and I’m not sure whether
the problem is me as I really can’t trust myself at the moment or whether there
is a problem with the network. It’s a bit of a pain when the newspaper slides
off the wrong side of the bed, as it is the side I can’t reach. If want the
paper I have to either call for the “orderly” (that’s how he’s acting, he
doesn’t deserve the nursing title) or unplug Roger so I can get around the
other side of the bed. I don’t want the “orderly” back, and I decide it’s too much
trouble to disconnect and then reconnect Roger. So the newspaper stays on the
floor.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4.25am The “orderly” comes back and gives a little nursing
advice, tomorrow ask for two 20mg sleeping tablets and he reiterates that the
policy is no sleeping pills after 2am. I do ask him to pick up the newspaper
before he leaves. I read for a while and then try for some sleep and it works
but it is a disturbed sleep with a constant overactive mind. I am starting to
understand Russell Crowe in A Spotless Mind. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The “orderly” comes back and I get
a fright when he opens the door without knocking and I sit up and knock my
glass of water to the ground. It takes me a few minutes to work out where I am.
This often happens when you stay
somewhere other than home, so imagine that tenfold when your mind is all over
the shop, but I do get back to sleep until woken again. It’s a shame that when
I have so much trouble sleeping that I am being woken up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BG is constantly asking me about my pain score, the other
nurses don’t. At one stage she explains to me how your pain score is rated on a
scale from one to 10. I try to tease her that I know how the pain score works
as I had my accident in 2003, but I don’t think I come across well so she
doesn’t understand.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Note: Anastasia is typing the next bit as I am not able to type
anymore; it’s all too over the shop. It’s easier for me to dictate to her and she’s
happy and willing (or so she says). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8:00am I doze on and off and I have a small dinner roll for breakfast.
I send Anastasia a text to prepare her that I am nothing like I was yesterday. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9:00am The ketamine dose is increased to 24. I wasn’t
allowed to shower straight away. I had to wait half an hour to see how affected
I would be. I showered by myself by sitting on the chair. I got dressed for the
day, put on make-up and lay on top of the made bed.The main light is annoying me; I prefer the light
behind the bed and the natural light. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10:00am I become emotional and stressed and I decide that people
in my work and home world should be awake by now so I am wondering why the
phone and emails have been so quiet. I start worrying about my father finding out
I am in hospital. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anastasia arrives and finds out that the internet issue is
hospital-wide and won’t be back on until possibly tomorrow morning. Nick says I
can hotspot my phone instead. I have gone off the idea of videoing my blog as
I’m not comfortable with anyone seeing me like this nor am I able to manage the
camera. Anastastia takes a photo of me lying on the bed. I am appalled at how I
look. She says: I’m not going to lie to
you, you are in hospital, you don’t look good! So no photos of me in the blog
either.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1:00am Anastasia phones Kay to relieve my anxiety about dealing
with work. I am very fixated on my inability to work and worried about my lack
of control and Anastasia helps me make some decisions so that I am not so
stressed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kay is off from her other job for the next two days so I feel
better knowing that she can manage. She will return to work at her other job on
Wednesday, so I decide I will worry about Wednesday on Wednesday. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not answer the phone to anyone who
doesn’t know I’m here. I am beyond dealing with any work, including the nearly
completed email I was almost ready to send last night. I am frustrated beyond
belief about the lack of information I have been given over what this will be
like and my ability to function. Although Malik did tell me I wouldn’t be able
to work, he just didn’t say why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
12:00 noon It’s interesting that my French is still coming
naturally in this state. I am in a very emotional state and I have to keep
focused on the positive. I asked a nurse about the infusion process and she
said: you stay on your maximum dose for a bit and then they dial it back down,
it’s best to ask the doctor tonight. Anastasia and I go for a coffee at the
coffee shop, I hate that I am teary and emotional. I’m really struggling and
have trouble even sitting properly at the table without slumping. I am aware
people are glancing at me as I cut the figure of a very ill patient, dragging
Roger behind me, walking very unsteadily and slumping, I don’t care. I really
can’t see anyone who isn’t in my immediate vision, the wider space is a blur. We
returned to the room in time for the top- up, I’m now on 32mg.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1:00pm I feel ok but I am a bit nervous. I keep fixating on
that my father might phone and find out I’m here. Nick and Anastasia have told
me not to worry. Nick promises he won’t let him know and he will ask Khloe, our
daughter, not to let him know. I need constant reassurance on this. I am losing
track of the reason why I’m going through this infusion. I have a great
conversation with the nurse, La Chica, about her start in Australia. I want to catch
up with La Chica when this is all over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1:40pm Nick arrives with fresh pillow cases. I keep forgetting
that the Wi-Fi isn’t working so I ask him to write it on the whiteboard so I
remember to hotspot. I keep worrying about little things, I am easily set off. The
pre-information I was given was not adequate, I’m very frustrated over this. I’m
experienced at managing the crap in my head but I am having trouble managing it
now. We work out that when I’m alone I need a plan so I’m not stressing. Nick
helps me make a plan: when I start stressing I will watch some of the shows on
my USB. I discuss the episodes of OITNB with Anastasia; she says I’m experiencing
it weirder than it is. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2:00pm This is not an experience that you would choose to
have. There’s this whole pain threshold issue to consider, and I do need to get
off the fentanyl. I am reflecting on why I’m here, and try to remember why I am
here: it’s to reset my medication levels. I can now turn my head to the left and
look out the window. I haven’t been able to turn my head to the left in 14
years. I feel like I’m in a weird episode of Twin Peaks except it’s not quite
as strange as that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2:35pm Nick typing – Nurse BG comes back and asks about the
pain level, it is at 1, she says they want to get it to 0. I am still on the fentanyl
but they will lower the dose from 25mgh to 12.5mgh later on today. The ketamine
is now at 34 mg/hour. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m lying down
with my eyes closed but I can’t sleep. I have a little bit of trouble breathing
so I put the bed down flat and that helps. Perception is difficult. It feels like I’m tripping but it’s not fun,
just a waste of time. I’d rather be going for a walk near home with Nick and
the dog.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5:31pm I’ve made it to 40mg/h. It has been quiet, I’ve been
watching OITNB. I feel a bit trippy, etc. I have a bit of pain at the back of my
neck. I can’t get comfortable; I’m a bit headachy, 2/10 for the headache.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhzDlxHJN2Wy70jsYBwYD-gXxACBYcaMonWIUTPHM7G8H5V34BRMgBM4MU_hpjUX2EEOyOZb10nS5SltV-DkMnu3bp5xZXb7HMECLvAQTtd1GuUgfPnvZox6A-mgg2JFSNsznL4EVOZg/s1600/white+meal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="1012" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIhzDlxHJN2Wy70jsYBwYD-gXxACBYcaMonWIUTPHM7G8H5V34BRMgBM4MU_hpjUX2EEOyOZb10nS5SltV-DkMnu3bp5xZXb7HMECLvAQTtd1GuUgfPnvZox6A-mgg2JFSNsznL4EVOZg/s320/white+meal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
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I don't have much of an appetite, and this dinner certainly doesn't help! Not even proper ice cream.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinadv-6IyVo0NG5yP8hz2mgbabXTtTg8TrEluZC242O9VIIITaCJBQ20g8h25_nFwayjLw4zbMk6uz_MNd-68kGIWYnUYNMOifG3k_KUEyMBOHEpYXmPagOGA8TQJ0HDBP7cQRkdYTkfQ/s1600/ice+cream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinadv-6IyVo0NG5yP8hz2mgbabXTtTg8TrEluZC242O9VIIITaCJBQ20g8h25_nFwayjLw4zbMk6uz_MNd-68kGIWYnUYNMOifG3k_KUEyMBOHEpYXmPagOGA8TQJ0HDBP7cQRkdYTkfQ/s320/ice+cream.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6:11pm Just had Dr Malik come in. I’m now at 40mg, and I will
stay on that until Friday, four more full days! Malik said the longer I can
stay on 40 the higher the chance of pain reduction after the treatment
finishes. He says I can choose to reduce to a lower dose if I’m not comfortable
and he tells me I can call him at any time. If I can stay on 40 until Friday he
will reduce the dosage to 20, then by Saturday it will be reduced to 0. Once I
have been on 0 for two hours I can go home. I ask Malik why some people want to do this recreationally and he said that some people like the disassociated state.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tell him about my problem sleeping and he says I need good
sleep hygiene, including no electronics late at night. He says I can get an
additional sleeping tablet if there is an issue, but I should be asleep in 30
minutes. I tell him about the issues I had last night, and he says he will
speak to the nurses. I don’t believe I should need to make decisions on
everything, including how to get to sleep. I don’t feel I am capable of making
decisions that I find complex, I need and expect more support. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7:23pm We go for a walk around the hospital, I am feeling
very stoned. Can I do this for 4 more days? I am quite disappointed that I have
worked so hard to get to 40mg only to be told that it’s not over, I have to try
and stay there for four more days, I feel like the goal posts have been shifted
on me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8pm Nick goes home. I am struggling with a lack of
perception dealing with Roger, I have difficulty plugging and unplugging his
leads when I need to go the bathroom.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-8161864176148856212018-09-26T03:12:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:18:48.325-07:00Day 5 Monday Tripping the light fantastic - the drug of clarity<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
12.23am After taking my sleeping pills I get some sleep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4am I wake up and try to do a little work, but it’s too
difficult, I don’t have the motor function to type and I can’t trust what I am
doing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After breakfast I have a shower sitting in the chair and get
dressed and lie on the bed. I have given up trying to type and I am now writing
in my notebook in scribble form.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As it’s
Monday everyone is back to work now so I am on my own. I put on Sarah McLachlan’s
music and I really enjoy lying there listening to the songs. This is not
something that I would normally do, just lying down and listening to music -
normally it would be playing in the background while I was working. I become
very introspective; I decide I would like to meet Sarah McLachlan to tell her
how her music is helping me during my hospital stay. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start visiting my life. All the grey falls away which must
be why one of the nurses told me that ketamine is called the drug of clarity.
Everything is crystal clear, all the superficial parts of my life disappear and
all I can see are the important things that have made me me. The people and
experiences that have been part of my life since my early 20’s come to the fore,
I can see everything so clearly. I decide that I have a book in me, a book
about me. I also believe I have had the best life in the world, I am very
blessed and lucky in every way. Sarah McLachlan’s music, especially the song “Do
You Remember Me?” helps me revisit my late teenage years, leaving Perth and
moving to Melbourne on my own. Interestingly the many, many years with “previous
guy” I only slightly touch on and quickly move over. I am surprised that I
slightly revisit someone else who was such a tiny part of my life but whom I am
so grateful for the power she gave me to make the necessary changes to my life
and also for introducing me to Sarah McLachlan’s music.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel myself tripping a bit - Khloe had asked me yesterday whether
I had been riding pink unicorns so I decide to go looking for them. I imagine
myself sitting deep in the saddle and waiting for the beautiful canter stride
to come up in front of me. To enjoy the canter you relax deep into the saddle and
it feels like beautiful dancing. The canter is the reward for the hard work you
need to do at the trot. It doesn’t offer the breathtaking exhilaration of the
gallop but it has its place in perfection on a well-rounded horse. However, it
doesn’t happen, I can’t find the unicorns or the canter, then I realise it is
Khloe who wants to ride pink unicorns, my riding days are over. The car
accident saw to that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead I find myself tripping beautifully; I am lying in a
paddock of flowers in a flowing dress looking stunning with wonderful scenery
while being filmed overhead like a music video. Now I understand why artists
use drugs to write, paint and create, it puts you in a different head space and
helps with creativity because it removes you from the real world.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night when I
asked Doc Malik about ketamine’s party drug use and he said young people like
the drifting away and it elevates your mood but older people don’t like it as
much as they are past having fun! That’s not true I like having fun and today
has been..........I can’t find the adjective I want, floating, amazing,
beautiful, serene. Nick said last night that I was fighting against the drug, so
I have taken that on board and am trying to relax more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel sorry for Nick that he doesn’t get to
experience what this is like, why do I get all the best things in life? Why am
I so lucky? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next song I don’t like, it has negative connotations so
I decide to stop listening. I realise that I have to be careful not to do
anything that could lead to negative thoughts and then send me into a downward
spiral. I decide to write in my notebook instead.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nurse BG comes in and asks me why I am crying, I say they
are tears of joy and happiness as I can’t believe how great my life is. I
messaged Anastasia to ask her to take some notes for me but when she rang back
I was already writing so it wasn’t necessary. After I left hospital she told me
that I had phoned her during class time. Normally I would never phone her
during the day as she is a school teacher.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With help from those close to me I have made lots of good decisionos
(bad spelling but at least I recognise it) to help me get through this period.
I only answer the phone to people who know what is going on with me. I don’t
reply to messages or emails without getting someone else to check what I have
written. It’s a bit like that book I read on a woman, Sally or Daisy who had
early onset dementia (after the infusion is finished I remember it’s called Still
Alice). She had notes on the fridge, like “don’t go running on your own” – not
much chance of that with me, I’m struggling to walk to the toilet! However we
have put in safeguards so I can relax. I am so fortunate to have intelligent,
open -minded people supporting me and I know to stop if anything starts to
become a bit dark. Hold on, it’s now 11.30am. How did that happen?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I forgot to say earlier that as beautiful as the tripping
was there was also a niggle at the back of my mind that if you did that all the
time it would get boring. My Spotless Mind. I might try and go to sleep and if
that doesn’t work I will watch OITNB.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nick messaged me and woke me up from a very deep sleep. I am
stuttering and having trouble coming back to the present and now. BG comes in
and asks me whether I normally stutter, I say never in my life, it’s very
strange and a little disconcerting, luckily it passes and I eventually feel a
little more present.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1pm I discover that I haven’t taken my morning pills, very
strange, not like me at all. I am more “out of it” than I realise.The coffee I get with breakfast isn’t very hot so I order
hot milk to come with it but it hasn’t come the last two mornings so I try and
write “hot milk” on the order, I find this very difficult.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Khloe phoned, then Nick, I dictated some notes from the
morning to him and tried to eat some lunch. I told Nick that our real estate
agent had phoned; he said he will deal with it. I thought of the lovely time I
had spent sitting on Mr Garden Bench outside, I enjoyed my time there but I
won’t be visiting for a while as I am now confined to the hospital as walking
is very difficult, I am very unsteady and doddery. I tried to eat some lunch
but I really have to force myself to eat as I don’t have any appetite but I
know I have to eat if I want to walk out of here on Saturday.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do all the good things in life always happen to me? This
morning I finally understood the term dying happy when your time comes. Mine
hasn’t come yet because I am one of the lucky ones who get to live a wonderful,
outrageously happy, rich life. The only question left is how can I pass it on
to the other important people in my life so that they can also have a wonderful
life?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember that lovely saying that they have in Africa: God
gave white man the watch and black man the time. I’ve tripped the light
fantastic and as my friend Julie’s young granddaughter says<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, I winned, I winned!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7.20pm Nick writing: After lunch I read the newspaper for a
while which I enjoyed. I spoke to Khloe on the phone and Kay arrived at 3pm. We
did some work and sorted work things out. She left at 5pm and bumped into Rose
on the way out. I realised when I was talking to Rose that I was talking very
slowly, so I sped my speech up. I had a lovely couple of hours with Rose (not
sure how it was for her). She bought me some lovely flowers from her garden and
I also got a nice message from Marie.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7pm Nick arrived and Rose left saying she might come back
Friday. Julie phoned while Kay was here, she spoke to Kay and said she was
sorry she hadn’t been in and was trying to make some time. Nick wrote this for
me, and that has been my day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Doc Malik didn’t have much time tonight but he said he will
take me totally off the fentanyl. Nick and I went to the cafe and I told him
about my day and asked him how him how his was. Anastasia texted and when Nick
left I texted her back at 8.30pm to see if she wanted a chat or I would watch
OITNB for the two hours until bedtime. I chatted with Anastasia for a while and
asked her to take some notes. Then I watched my show but I fell asleep and was
woken up at 10.40pm for my sleeping pills (gosh my handwriting has improved).<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/3/null" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only glitch was that Nick didn’t take my call at 11pm,
but it doesn’t worry me, it’s not that important, I will go to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-90956208486100600242018-09-25T05:18:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:19:22.809-07:00Day 6 Tuesday I do not have to be first but I will not be last!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I slept until 4am, my mind is too active to sleep and I have
slightly annoying restless legs. One issue I had in the night was that I
knocked over my glass of water which is not unusual for me. It went all over my
throw rug so I had to get up and adjust it. I would have liked to sleep longer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I chat with Red Lips for a while and she tells me they call
ketamine the drug of clarity, I tell her that I would like to speak to other
patients going through this experience and see how they are feeling, what they
are experiencing etc. Red Lips says the other patients are two young men and
that one is happily enjoying the ride and doesn’t have a lot of life experience,
but the other is feeling quite sad – the drug of clarity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She says that the smokers who are on the infusions still
manage to get themselves up and outside to have their cigarettes and there they
meet others and they make friends. I can see how you would feel connected with
other people going through the same experience as you but I tell her that I
have no interest in speaking to young men. There is nothing they can share with
me about life. How could they be in this situation when they are so young? The
nurses aren’t allowed to divulge any information and I am no longer interested
in talking to other ketamine patients.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I lay there happy until 8, reflecting on what a wonderful
fortunate life I have. I am in a happy place. Nick and Khloe have dealt with my
worry about my father finding out about it. Friends and family have removed all
the stresses from me so that I can do this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Red Lips then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“lied”</i>
to me. She said they had swapped the syringe over during the night and asked me
if I remembered them touching me so as not to startle me. I said that no, I
didn’t remember anything and that’s when she<i> lied</i>, she said I was snoring and I
should put that in my blog! Well, we all know that I could not possibly snore,
so I will have to keep an eye on Red Lips (she is gorgeous though). She and
Beautiful Girl are my favourite nurses!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was a little worried for a while about my restless legs
but I told my legs that they had to stop as they were too annoying and after
that they behaved themselves, like most people do if you take charge. The
people that don’t behave themselves, well you have to walk away and let them go;
they are not your problem. I make a note to tell Nick I need tissues and wipes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s talk about the enabler in the room, yes Roger that’s
you – the man with only one word to say. The moment you open your mouth I shut
you down by pushing that little arrow on the far left of the screen. You are brainless
noise that keeps popping into my head and interrupting me, you have nothing
interesting to say, you have no place in my world. Roger, I have appreciated
your help but I will be glad to hand you over to someone else at the end of
this. Even though there are no hard feelings I hope I don’t ever have to see
you or any of your family again. I have a life to lead, places to go, things to
do and people to meet, I don’t have time to waste with this stuff. I need to
get Nick out of his drudgery work so we can enjoy the rest of our time
together. I’m going to read the paper for a while or have a shower.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I have a major problem! A woman from administration comes
into my room and sits down in a chair next to my bed. She didn’t ask if it was
ok with me to come in my room, and sit in one of my chairs, she didn’t even
knock, so much for respecting patients, there is no privacy in hospitals. She
then tells me that there is a person more worthy than me who needs my private
room, they are not the words that she uses but that is the implication. She
tries to emotionally blackmail me by saying that she isn’t asking for me, she’s
asking for them. I said that if I had to give my room up I would be stopping my
treatment and going home, I will only leave this room to go home. She said she
would have to talk to the manager and left.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not a selfish person, I do not need to be number one
but I will not be last! I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I have
been good, I have not given in to this pain and crawled into a hole. I have not
taken to my bed, I have continued to work. The day after my accident I went to
work, I couldn’t put on my own shoes, and in hindsight if you can’t put your own
shoes on you shouldn’t go to work! I have ticked all the right boxes and got on
with my life, so why should I be the least important patient in this hospital? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That guilt-trip woman has to go. I did not do this to
myself, I did not go through a red light and hit me, someone else did this to me!
I have worked hard to make the best of the situation, please let me finish my
treatment in privacy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time the lovely lunch lady Molly came to bring me my
meal I was pretty well hysterical. I was on the phone to Nick and was sobbing
to him telling him that they were derailing me, all that hard work I had done
to stay positive has been ripped from me by a heartless administrator. How dare
she do that to me, how can she be allowed to come into my room and shatter all
the hard work I had done, how? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sweet Molly came back with the manager Rolf and
a lovely nurse, who were very kind and understanding. They supported me and
gave me half a Valium, Nick was worried they were trying to shut me up with the
Valium, but I was a mess and definitely needed to calm down. The nurse asked if
there was anyone that could come and sit with me but I said it’s Tuesday,
everyone is at work. Nick spoke to Rolf the manager and it is all sorted, I
have this room until I finish. I have calmed down now and am trying to get back
to my happy place. I do not have to be first but I will not be last!<br />
<br />
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As hard as I try I can't seem to write milk without a double l.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to sleep but keep getting hung up on the morning’s
drama. I managed to talk to Kay about some work and told her I was having
trouble getting past what had happened to me. Kay said I had no choice I just
had to move on, and she told me later that I answered her with a firm: yes, you
are right, that is what I will do! I am a black and white personally normally
and this drug is making me more so.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched my OITNB,
trying to improve my mood. I was also trying to control my restless legs so I
decided to go to the pharmacy about buying some wipes. I have diarrhoea which
is apparently a side effect of withdrawal. I walked to the pharmacy dragging
Roger with one hand and using the support railing on the wall with the other.
Luckily being in room 1 means the front door and the pharmacy are very close. I
went to the pharmacy to find out how much they cost and then went then back to
my room to get money (I don’t know why I just didn’t take money with me, nor do
I know why I didn’t charge it to my room). I took $10 and returned to the shop
and bought the wipes. This seemed like a massive achievement to do this on my
own, like a normal person. Later in the afternoon when I got up to go to the
bathroom I found $10 lying on the bedroom floor, maybe I’m not that normal person
after all. Where did it come from?</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dinner arrived and it was very strange; risotto with chips - (carbs anyone?), zucchini and corn.</div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
The food has been really poor and
tasteless (the sprinkled pepper in the photo is from the pepper grinder I brought from home). I watched the 6pm news, I wish the nurses would wear name tags or
write their name on the whiteboard as I am really struggling to remember their
names and they are all so lovely and caring to me that I feel bad when I can’t
remember their names.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Khloe<span style="color: #548dd4; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-themetint: 153;"> </span>came to visit and I had to explain to her why I
deserved the private room, there are so many reasons. She is old enough now to
know the truth. I have worked hard for the past 14 years not to let the
accident ruin my life, I have never taken an anti-depressant or any other type
of mental health drugs.That isn’t to say that I haven’t had many teary and
difficult days, there were lots, especially in the first few years as I learned
to adapt to living with constant pain. I
could have easily given in and let it destroy me. However, I decided early on
that I was not going to be that person, that the best way to manage it was to
try and pretend it didn’t exist. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I first heard the words “pain management” many years before
my accident and I struggled to understand the term. How can you manage pain? Either it’s there or it isn’t. How do you
manage something that you have no control over? How naive I was. However the
more you dwell on pain or any problem in your life the bigger and all-encompassing
it becomes. I have tried not to let it define me, I have chosen to make it only
a small part of my life. Nick arrived. Malik came, I told him that I had had a
horrid day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8.30pm Nick and Khloe left. The only problems I have now are
the diarrhoea and a persistent cough. I watched OITNB, lots of lesbian sex. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
11pm Red Lips came in saying she had Temazepam and came in
peace, she’s a funny girl, I like her. We had a lovely chat. Such gorgeous
girls work here, I hope they are appreciated.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At midnight I went to sleep but I woke up twice during the
night with a nearly busting bladder - by the time I unhook Roger and we get to
the bathroom I am lucky to make it. Between the coughing and the sneezing I am
so glad I had that bladder sling put in a couple of years ago.</div>
<br /></div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-30820347917848969892018-09-24T17:17:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:19:48.545-07:00Day 7 Wednesday I winned! I winned! I winned!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
6am I wake up with some pain at the back of my head that I
hope that will go away. I haven’t mentioned it before but I do hear a sound now
and then that sounds like a door not quite shutting, it slams and then bounces.
It does this twice and it is always the same but it only happens
intermittently. I know it’s not real as there aren’t any doors behind me so it
must be a type of hallucination. It’s very annoying.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Apparently one of the young men (very young) with a long-term
back injury received no relief from the infusion so they are stopping his
treatment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My lovely nurse today has a two-year-old boy and she lives
in a suburb fairly near where I used to live. She says I can have two Panadiene
Forte for my headache. I have breakfast, shower (still sitting on the chair),
get dressed and check my phone. Marie has texted asking if she can come and
visit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How lucky I am! I have lovely people around me, why am I so lucky, how
did I get to have everything that anyone needs in life? Beautiful friends, a
wonderful partner, a gorgeous daughter, sufficient money to travel and enjoy
life as long as we aren’t extravagant. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Marie and I have a lovely morning, we go for a little walk
around the ward. Her lovely niece brought her up to visit me because Marie has
been seriously ill for the past eighteen months and can’t drive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After Marie and her niece leave I listen to music and read
the newspaper. I have to read most articles a few times to understand them and
I find them more interesting than I normally would. I am easily amused in this
altered state.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge2r1aom9l5iOTsqWTVqs22DexCT8WVXiNQLM7OE2vd2aK0TEc2_qwO01qb_AzJbxJ4SmvpS6zCINRGQmwZ6lRgecpNVX_xI7xLuOiHr-oPtPxeQ0gkSuxn5Ch5bAIUG2OH_l9xk04VX8/s1600/milk+3-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="274" data-original-width="994" height="88" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge2r1aom9l5iOTsqWTVqs22DexCT8WVXiNQLM7OE2vd2aK0TEc2_qwO01qb_AzJbxJ4SmvpS6zCINRGQmwZ6lRgecpNVX_xI7xLuOiHr-oPtPxeQ0gkSuxn5Ch5bAIUG2OH_l9xk04VX8/s320/milk+3-001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
Nurse Red Lips told me that I have won the ketamine race!
The only other person left having the infusion (he was young with little life
experience and having fun with the tripping) had his infusion stopped. He had
watched something dark on the television and it had upset his head space and he
had gone back to being a child and wouldn’t go to the bathroom on his own as he
believed there was someone in there, so the doctor had stopped the infusion.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I messaged Martina, my neighbour who helps administers ketamine
infusions. I sent her a picture of the mug she gave me that I had brought to
the hospital with me and told her that I had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">winned.</i> I hope she is proud of me, but I reckon she knew I was
going to.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the evening Nick and Khloe come to visit. I get braver in
my walking as I am so unsteady on my feet and we leave the hospital and we
visit Mr Garden Bench. Some person smarter than us had turned the bench around
so he now faces the garden and not the cars. We sat there and talked and
enjoyed the lovely evening as a family together. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At about 8.30 we walked back
before we got locked out of the building. The sunset was grey and pink, Khloe’s
favourite colours. The nurse said she saw us through the window sitting out
there and we looked like a lovely family. What a nice thing to say. Khloe went
home and Nick and I had a cuddle on the bed and then he went home too. Malik didn’t
arrive tonight but it wasn’t important, all is good.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kay phoned, we talked for about 45 minutes, I was lying
there with the phone on my chest with the loud speaker on with my eyes closed
while we were chatting. When we finished I thought it would be stupid to wake
myself up again by watching a show so for the first time in my life I would go
to sleep at 9.30pm. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pushed the buzzer for the nurse and a new nurse came, I
asked her to remove my clothes from the PICC line and to please get my pills.
She said “I don’t know how to do it”, and asked me “do I need the key to turn
the machine off”? I said I don’t know, don’t ask me, I am on ketamine, I said
that normally they just disconnect it quickly and then reconnect it. I don’t
think they use the key but I can’t be sure, she leaves to get help. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wait and
I wait, I put the bed flat, I am so tired, so much for going to sleep early. At
10.30pm she comes back, she is obviously very frazzled, these girls are so
overworked. Another nurse shows her how to disconnect and reconnect quickly,
key not needed. I ask for my pills again but she is so stressed she asks me if
I can tell her what I have. I say two Temazepam, she says is that all and I say
yes. I am slightly concerned that the ketamine patient’s word is being relied
on. I feel this is wrong but I feel sorry for her as she is under so much
pressure and I know I am telling the truth. I say I have been waiting for an
hour, she apologises and says they were doing a transfusion. She comes back
with the pills and wishes me a good night’s sleep. She’s a nice girl under too
much pressure.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-24954475038649243002018-09-23T18:01:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:20:19.560-07:00Day 8 Thursday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I managed to sleep but only until 3am, bummer. I lie there
until 5am and then I am sick of it so I sit up and write this. For the first
time since 2003 I am able to lie on my left side, normally I can only lie on my
back or my right side to sleep. The nurse says she thinks it’s the ketamine that
is stopping me from sleeping. It has to be, as sleeping is something I normally
do well! I am now going to fill in the time until breakfast reading the
newspaper. I have one more day to go, I am nearly there. The aching legs are a real
nuisance so at 5.45am I ask for two Panadeine Forte. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That double door (hallucination) is still banging. I read
the paper until Nurse Ben from the Philippines comes in at 8am and gives me my
tablets. He is very nice with a pleasant, cheery face. I speak to Nick on the
phone, Ben says they might start bringing me down tonight which means there is
a slim chance of going home tomorrow. My check-out day is meant to be Saturday
but I was told if I felt well enough it could be brought forward to Friday.
Nick says it will have to be after he finishes work on Friday. That is good for
me. Maybe Jenny can bring Pippa to the hospital and we can go home together.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
I start hearing people talking and laughing, and they are
inside Roger, it’s like he is a radio. How bloody ridiculous, we will be having
none of that! I tell Roger “the radio” off and to cut it out, and it works and
the noise stops but I don’t have so much luck with the background slamming door
but hopefully it will stop soon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put on some music
and relax and nod off and then Marie arrives, her cousin Magdalena has brought
her up. Marie and Magdalena are angry and upset that Roger has now run out of
special K and is carrying on at full voice. I rang the buzzer over half an hour
ago but they still haven’t changed the syringe over. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get up and drag the screaming Roger to the bathroom which
is flooded from my shower over an hour ago. It’s all the way to the door, it obviously
suffers from poorly designed drainage. Marie works as a nursing attendant at a
large public hospital and she is horrified that I could fall over so she starts
to clean the water up. Magdalena goes and finds a cleaning lady to mop it up.
Magdalena is a nurse at a public hospital and neither of them is impressed at
how I am being cared for. They both say waiting that long for a drug of
dependence is not acceptable and that it would not happen in a public hospital.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually after another half an hour (so an hour in total
after it ran out) my syringe is swapped over and we go out to Mr Garden Bench
and enjoy the warmth of the sun. It is so wonderful to be outside, I am so
lucky that Marie has come to visit me again. I prattle on high as a kite until
it is time for them to take me back to my room as they have things to do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Marie has been seriously ill since May 2016 - 18 months. How
does she do this? She is so strong and positive, such a wonderful role model to
people around her. Back on my bed Magdalena sees me reaching in my drawer for
my purse and says: do you want a coffee? I ask her how does she know that is
what I want? She says she does it all the time in her job. I wouldn’t think to
ask a nurse to get me a coffee as they have proper work to do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before they leave Magdalena takes a photo of Marie and me
holding hands. We have been friends since 1993, 24 years. When she is better,
maybe in the spring we are going to go to Tasmania and have a girls' holiday together.
They leave and I write this.</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Marie and me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am worried that I am coming across in my writing as a
saint but everyone knows I’m not. I am a demanding person with very high
standards and I do not tolerate fools but this drug is softening me so only the
good parts of me are showing. The other side that rubs people up the wrong way will
return in a couple of days and it might return with a vengeance! Khloe will get
her bossy mum back and not the sweet mum she’s had for the last few days who
will let her hold her hand.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get up to get a cardigan for my shoulders, (so much for
thinking I would be hot in hospital) and I find myself dancing like no one is
watching, I’m not moving my feet but I am enjoying myself. Julia and Angus
Stone’s music is on Spotify, such sweet, young siblings. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lunch arrives. I will make myself eat the sandwiches later,
I have the fruit and cheese put in the fridge for afternoon tea. They need to
throw out yesterday’s fruit and cheese as I didn’t get to eat them. Hopefully I
am losing some weight - can you lose two kilos in a week if you stop drinking
wine, barely move and barely eat? I get a phone call from an unknown number. I
let it go to message bank, Nick will sort it out tonight. That door is still
double-bouncing behind me. Can someone please shut it (bloody hallucinations)! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The lovely lunch lady Molly comes in for my tray. I thank her
for caring for me the other day when “the administrator” tried to make me move
rooms. She said: you remember me? I said: yes you helped me, she said: I am
like that I can’t see someone upset. I told her how tonight or tomorrow I was
going to be coming down off the ketamine and walking into my new life. When I
told her about my accident she got a bit cross with the man that went through
the red light but I explained to her we couldn’t be too angry with him as there
were no drugs or alcohol involved. The police thought he made a mistake and saw
the green arrow and thought it was for him and went straight on. I told Molly I
could have made that error and that Khloe and I heard him screaming “what have
I done, what have I done?” repeatedly as we crawled out the overturned car
window. I also saw his face and he was mortified. We can’t hate him, I think
it’s best that he doesn’t know how it has affected my life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve still got the cough and the banging door but I can
manage them. I roll onto my left side, such a strange feeling to lie on my left
shoulder. I might even be able to see my family arriving through the window
before they knock on the door. I enjoy the luxury of lying on my left side and
then my day gets ever better. La Chica arrives and says she will be my nurse
until 10pm. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My auntie and uncle come to visit me and stay for a while. My
auntie said later that it was the funniest hospital visit she had ever had as I
chatted non-stop about Lucing in the sky with diamonds and tripping the light
fantastic. After they left I dozed, read the paper and listened to music for
the rest of the afternoon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 6pm I turned on the news. Now my arm is starting to hurt
where the PICC line goes in. The TV is in the wrong position. It is too high
and too far to the left, it hurts my neck and my arm gets worse. I ask for Panadeine
Forte and La Chica brings them promptly. She explains that she can stop the ketamine
if the pain becomes intolerable. I said I would take the pain-killers and
manage. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nick and Doc Malik arrive. Malik asks me why I am squirming
around in bed and I tell him that I am in a lot of pain with my arm and my
neck. Malik says he will arrange for an ultrasound of my arm to check for a
blood clot. I tell him I have something to show him and I open a drawer that
has six small bottles of wine in it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every night I have ordered white wine with
dinner and put it in the drawer. I thought it was absurd that a person high as
a kite on ketamine should be offered wine. He said the wine was fine, I could
have had my wine every night. Unbelievable! He then told me a story about a
priest he was treating who went a bit overboard with the wine though and he had
to tell him to back off. La Chica brings a plastic water jug full of ice and
turns it into a wine cooler and pops a bottle in to cool down. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I take my glass of wine and Nick and I go to visit the
charming Mr Garden Bench and chat for a while. All my pain goes away. Moving is
always good - staying in one spot always increases the pain and going for a
walk generally improves it. It was lovely on the bench.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I start coming down tomorrow, Friday lunchtime and I should
go home Saturday at 10am.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10pm Roger runs out of ketamine. Nick goes home and 40
minutes later I am still waiting for my top- up. Apparently the nurse is
transferring another patient; I feel the wait is too long, they should have
more staff. I finally get topped up and given my night meds. This is when I
realise I wasn’t given my extra pills last night, the ones I have to take to
make the ketamine work, I think they are magnesium. You really shouldn’t rely on the word of a patient
on 40mg of ketamine. I get to sleep and wake just after 1am and I drift in an
out of sleep until the sun comes up at 6am and I get up and open the blind.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-2927437158110448762018-09-22T22:31:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:20:53.063-07:00Day 9 Friday Goodbye Roger<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is my last day on ketamine. The night nurse comes in
and they change my ketamine before it runs out – they stopped Roger from
complaining before he started. Brilliant! I opened the laptop and felt I could
manage to do a little work that had come in overnight. I knew I shouldn’t, that
I should wait for Kay to wake up, but it was pretty simple and I triple-checked
it before I finished. I read the newspaper and started to look forward to
returning to normal. Apparently at midday they will start bringing me down and
maybe at midnight the real Karen will return. The one that is not so gracious,
warm and forgiving, the one that rubs people up the wrong way, but at least the
real Karen will get to sleep through the night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The door is still banging, the back of my neck is a little
sore and my arm where I have the PICC line hurts a little. At 7.30am Nurse
Kerala arrives - what a clever girl she is to get from the backwaters of
beautiful Kerala, India (I have been there, on one of their dreamy boat trips), to being a nurse in a private hospital in Melbourne.
Kerala girl tells me I might be able to make it to a friend’s party at
Docklands tomorrow night. Which would be nice I would like to be there for him,
he is such a lovely friend.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7.35am I speak to Nick on the phone. He was off to work
early as he had woken up at 6 when I did. We made a bit of a plan for Saturday
when I leave. We will pick up Pip the dog, go home and rest and then maybe I
can go to the party for an hour or so. I like that plan. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After having breakfast
and a shower Roger and I go for an ultrasound to check the pain in my arm. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The results come back showing that I don’t have a blood clot.
I return to my room at 10.30. Marie
arrives immediately. It seems that everything I want and need is just happening
perfectly – amazing timing. We both rest for a while, me on the bed, Marie with
her eyes closed in a chair and then we go for coffee in the cafe before her son
John arrives to pick her up at 12.30. I wave to John from inside the front
door, Roger and I can’t go past Roger’s rumble strips (like speed bumps for
cars) on the floor in front of the front door without help. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As soon as I get
back Kerala girl arrives. Apparently she had come in earlier while we were having
coffee. She has a beautiful smile. She drops my ketamine 4mg to 36 and I am on
my way to coming down and going home. Yay!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 1pm I am on the phone to Nick and Kerala girl comes in
and says the ultrasound has shown a small thrombosis (I am not surprised they
found something as I know the difference between normal pain and pain when
there is something wrong). They remove the PICC and replace it with a cannula
in the back of my left hand. At 1.30 I drop another 4mg, I am getting there!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBbKJN1ZWShZAQIZq8xp-KVbxt3W1BIIfOE_gSwdQVAkwa40Quwsina-bJqFhhOLUju0hEcga9yQn7jnbMJ6P7surSB2_grrTGsCNiflL3nXErupibrQI2UBnqRaP3EKtDg5OfwaGzYI4/s1600/menu+final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="1012" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBbKJN1ZWShZAQIZq8xp-KVbxt3W1BIIfOE_gSwdQVAkwa40Quwsina-bJqFhhOLUju0hEcga9yQn7jnbMJ6P7surSB2_grrTGsCNiflL3nXErupibrQI2UBnqRaP3EKtDg5OfwaGzYI4/s320/menu+final.jpg" width="320" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGREHw7UR8pBcbp4DvnRdmpci77aMpurVvS0zzJKolvy7ydZzuQTo9cKQQFjliQ2pdQ6m-5eEsNK9_2AY7RaUZWFAPUm2z-PzrLzga27_dEDnD8x6kSNXb2l_LqTF0icBH29mb-_Kwaac/s1600/milk+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="569" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGREHw7UR8pBcbp4DvnRdmpci77aMpurVvS0zzJKolvy7ydZzuQTo9cKQQFjliQ2pdQ6m-5eEsNK9_2AY7RaUZWFAPUm2z-PzrLzga27_dEDnD8x6kSNXb2l_LqTF0icBH29mb-_Kwaac/s320/milk+5.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I fill out my menu I finally manage to spell it with
only one L. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 1.30pm Kerala girl hands me over to Beautiful Girl. What
luck I have that BG will look after me until 10pm, she and Red Lips are my
favourites. I say goodbye to Kerala and thank her for caring for me so
wonderfully and explain to BG how hard Kerala’s journey must have been to get
here. However, I know BG has her own story. I haven’t heard it yet, one day she
might share it with me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These girls are worked so hard, they don’t spend more than a
couple of minutes doing something that might not be considered essential work,
like talking to a patient high on ketamine. They have a punishing schedule to
keep, they have worked so hard to get here and they have to keep moving forward.
They can’t slow down or they know someone else will pass them and it will all
have been for naught!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That door is still banging. How low will the ketamine need
to get for this annoying hallucination to disappear?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Doc Malik arrives and dangles a carrot. He asks me if I
would like to go home tonight. I tell him that is too hard a decision for me to
make, I want to do the right thing and not jeopardise my hard work. He tells me
I have done it, it’s over and I can go home! One tear runs down my cheek. I
hadn’t realised how much I wanted to go home, I have been keeping myself in the
zone, the right head space to do this, to make it through to the end.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We discuss how I will be from here on, he expects that pain-wise
I will be the same as before. I can manage that, I know what to do. He says he
doesn’t believe fentanyl works after a while and probably the only relief I
have been getting is from the Panadeine Forte. He gives me permission to go to
the party,<i> winned</i> again! I think
someone has finally shut that door as I haven’t heard it for a while. Damn! It
just banged again!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just before 5pm Roger knows I am nearly done with him and
starts making his presence felt – beeping away. I feel my eyes starting to open
up, they have been half closed since last Saturday lunchtime. I message a few
friends with my news and they all send me lovely messages back. I notice my
handwriting starts to improve, I am coming back. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get a message from Martina, saying she could feel it in
her waters that I would be busting out tonight. Nick leaves home at 6pm to pick
me up, Roger and I say goodbye. No tears there, I am happy to see the back of
him! Then the cannula is removed and I am told I have to wait an hour. I walk
four laps of the ward, the first time I have been able to walk any distance
unaided since the infusion started. I then go to Mr Garden Bench to wait for
Nick and give him a surprise when he arrives.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is lovely getting home but not long after arriving I
start to struggle with lower back pain, which I have never had before and I try
walking around the house to alleviate it. I get quite grumpy, I suppose you
can’t be “up” for that long and not come “down”.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-21332289442990924802018-09-21T22:40:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:21:16.164-07:00Day 10 Saturday Time to party.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
From 5am to 5.15am I walk around the back room so as not to
disturb Nick. It is a very small room so it’s not much fun walking circles. I
put on some washing. At 8am I message Jacques the osteo for an appointment and
he tells me to come in at 9.45am. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nick and I walk around the block to try and help
the pain. We stop at a cafe for coffee. Nick then helps me walk up the two
dodgy flights of stairs to Jacques’s rooms. Nick returns to collect me 15
minutes later and Jacques says to him: this is Karen tipsy, but I would be very
careful as she could turn at any minute! I find this very funny, I am still in
a drug-induced universe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We head down the Peninsula to visit my uncle and
collect the dog. Jacques had told me to go for a walk in the bay for 10 to 20
minutes and it would relieve my back pain. I said that it would be too cold but
he said it had been warm for days so it would be fine. So I ventured into the
bay and he had lied, it was freezing cold, but it did relieve the pain.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I came home and rested for a few hours and then went to the
party at Docklands. I never miss a party. I was struggling to walk because of
the pain and was still unsteady on my feet, leaning on Nick’s arm like I was
100 years old. I found a seat with back support and met two gorgeous girls,
because I was still high I was very open touchy/feely (not like me at all) and
chatty. We went home at 9pm and I tried to sleep but the pain was getting
worse.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-28999327054280081972018-09-20T22:50:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:21:40.753-07:00Day 11 Sunday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The high has gone and it has been replaced with a strange
sense of calm. We head out for lunch at a local cafe that is a decent walk away
but not too far. It was closed for renovations and by now I need to sit down
but I have no choice but to walk back home again. This is tricky and by the
time I get home the back pain is increasing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to the chemist, and with pride handed back the fentanyl
and explain that I had detoxed and no longer need them. I deal with this
pharmacist all the time but he is a dick, he doesn’t even comment or react to
what to me is my momentous news. This is the problem with these types of large supermarket-like
pharmacies; they have no interest in their client’s welfare. My old small town
pharmacist would have been ecstatic for me and given me a big hug (not that I
like hugging but I would have appreciated it). We did some grocery shopping and
headed home but unfortunately this was too much exertion for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time I got home I was exhausted and the pain was
increasing. Kay phoned as I walked in the door, I told her the pain was
excruciating and I started to cry. The hospital had told me to phone if I
needed anything so I called them and BG answered. She spoke to Nick and told
him to phone Malik or go to a GP or emergency department at a hospital. Nick
phoned Malik but the office works business hours. I worked hard to manage the
pain and it started to subside.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The pain returned and
was worse than anything I have ever felt, my pain score was 7.5 to 8. I was
sweating profusely, my face was wet, this was worse than when I received
multiple skull fractures.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was struggling with the back pain, I was left in bed at
the hospital for too long and it has obviously caused issues in my back but I
didn’t feel the pain until the ketmaine was stopped.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walked, I lay on the floor, I stretched. I had been taking
two Panadeine Forte every four hours since Friday night. I timed them and never
took them even five minutes early. I took a Celebrex (anti- inflammatory) and
tried to hang in there. I didn’t want to go to emergency as I didn’t think they
would help me because of the journey I had been on. These types of drugs and
treatment are not the type that you can obtain unless you have a proven,
extensive history. They would probably think I was some prescription drug
addict.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At about 7.30pm I had had enough and we drove to the
emergency that fortunately was very close to home. The staff were wonderful and
I was given a bed quickly and they started tests. I decided not to mention my
last week’s treatment (to Nick’s annoyance) as I thought it would complicate
everything and they wouldn’t treat me. The nurse tried to put a cannula in the
back of my left hand which was very bruised from the one that had been removed
48 hours before. It was too painful for me. She moved to my right elbow and it
was pretty rough but she got it. I was given morphine, anti-inflammatory and
oral Valium. It only gave me mild pain relief, I could manage it better but it
was still tricky. I asked for more morphine but was told it wasn’t allowed and
I was offered an Endone. I said I didn’t want it as I had given up on Endone
years ago as it didn’t work. She asked me what worked and I said “nothing”. She
convinced me to have it as it would take the edge off. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By now Nick was getting angrier and angrier about me lying
to the staff so I agree to confess and we call the doctor in. This information
changes her plans for me and she asks me what I want. I say I want to go home,
so she sends me home with two Tramadol and two Valium to get through the night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Khloe has arrived at home and she phones saying she
knows something is wrong as the house is empty but the TV is on and mum has
left a gin and tonic beside the bed! Khloe and Nick talk on the phone. At
11.30pm we get home. Nick is exhausted and wants to go to bed. I join Khloe in
the other bedroom and over the next couple of hours we chat and I have two
glasses of wine. I need pain relief, relax and sleep. At 2am Khloe and I agree
to call it a night. </div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-9583382810465734662018-09-19T22:58:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:22:07.688-07:00Day 12 Monday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I manage to sleep on and off until 7am. When I wake up to
find a note on Nick’s pillow. He has gone to work to pick up his laptop so he
can work from home and will be back soon. At 8am I message Jacques and ask him
to see me asap. Just after 9 I phone Malik’s office and they say he is in
Berwick today, a 45-minute drive away. Can I get there? Absolutely! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we arrive he takes us in immediately. I am walking
hunched over with a pillow and he agrees that spending a week in bed at my age
is crippling. When I was having the infusion I was so unsteady on my feet I was
only ever confident enough to go to the hospital front door on my own, as I was in room 1 that wasn’t very far. Why wasn’t there a physiotherapist
or osteopath available at the hospital to treat me? Why are the nurses so
overworked that they don’t have time to help patients up and take them for a
walk? It’s a private hospital why wasn’t I given the help I needed? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Malik explains that I am still going through withdrawal and
that it takes three weeks, and I am only one week down. He gives me Tramadol
slow-release and Tramadol normal, anti-inflammatory and Panadeine Forte to
manage the pain. He says that I need to continue with the osteo and continue
walking in water. He walks me to the door and then he asks me if I need to see
a psychologist. I shoot him a deadly look and answer with a firm, no!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get home and sleep for an hour and then go and see Jacques
and he works his magic on my back. The ghastly pain has settled to a 4 ½, I
need to be at a 4 to cope. I wake up at 5ish and take two Panadeine Forte. I go
to the local pool and this time I walk up to my neck and I find that using a
noodle for support helps to take the pressure off. I come home and try to tidy
up a bit, I still haven’t finished unpacking. This isn’t like me in the past I
would have pushed through and put everything away. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watch the news, and have a little dinner. My pain is ok
but I am still not me. I am not high but I am slow, my actions and reflexes are
slow. I couldn’t do anything as complex as driving. Cars coming at me at an
intersection would be too much to manage; I am surprised that I am allowed to
drive. I write this up and see if I can concentrate enough to watch TV and
relax with a little sleep – a good night’s sleep would be amazing, it’s been a
long time. I take an anti-inflammatory.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-30949799992685295662018-09-18T23:42:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:22:31.594-07:00Day 13 Tuesday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I slept pretty well and woke up early in the morning and
took two Panadeine Forte and the long- acting Tramadol. I answered some emails,
did a little work and tackled the newspaper. I hope this is not too detailed
and boring to read, but I am trying to record everything for my sake and maybe
to help other people with their special K detox and the continued withdrawal
afterwards. I fall asleep but the phone wakes me up at 10.30am which is good because
sleeping during the day ruins any chance of a good night sleep. I did some
washing, dusting and finally finished unpacking. A tidy house keeps my mind
relaxed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 11.30am I went back to lying on the bed because I need to
rest as Pip has an appointment at the vet and I will need energy to walk there
and back. Normally it takes me 10 minutes each way but I had better allow 20
minutes today as I am so slow and neither my mind nor my reflexes are sharp
enough to drive. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that my delusional, drug-induced mind is starting to
clear I decide that my life hasn’t been that interesting and I no longer
believe I have a book in me, I expect people would probably doze off by the
time they got to page four! I managed the walk to the vet and back and then
rested. I caught up on ten days of personal paperwork and a little work, then
read some light magazines, I’m not sharp enough for anything too deep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nick came home after work and drove me to the pool. Using a
noodle and my arms I got a bit further along to where I couldn’t touch the
bottom. I’m starting to feel more like myself.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-84126875292049298932018-09-17T23:51:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:22:55.571-07:00Day 14 Wednesday <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s the deal with waking at 6am? I am going to sleep at a
normal time like 10pm and waking up at 6, the old me goes to bed at midnight
and wakes up at 8.30am. I am sure it won’t last. It must be left-over from the
hospital waking me at 6.30 for the obs. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pip and I go for a walk, do a little
shopping and then visit Jacques. We discuss whether I am back to normal and
decide that I am not because I had left out a fairly important word in my text
to him. Jacques describes me as mellow and that’s certainly how I feel – good
description. I am normally flying flat-chat from one thing to another, I like
being busy, not stressed busy but just enough to keep me occupied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I return home and manage to take a business call from a
client so I speed up my speech and try to sound more upbeat than I feel as I am
aware I am talking slowly and a bit flat. I try to do a little house work and
write up my day so far. I turn on the TV to watch the French news which is
followed by my dirty little secret, Dr Phil. I don’t believe in watching TV
during the day. What a ridiculous waste of a life but if I am doing the ironing
or having lunch I do turn on Dr Phil. About 2.30 I go to sleep for a while and
luckily Nick phones and wakes me up at 3.30. I really don’t want to sleep
during the day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I go for a walk around the block and stop in for a chat for
about half an hour with a neighbour. I still keep losing my train of thought in
conversations. I come home to read a little, watch the evening news and go to
the pool. I think this will be the last time I go to the pool as my back pain
has improved. After I do my 20 minutes walking in the pool we go to our local
pub for a meal in the beer garden. I am starting to get my appetite back but
not enough to take advantage of steak night. That sounds too heavy and
daunting. I have the grilled fish and we head home for a little TV and once
again asleep by 10ish.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-82839629883561429882018-09-16T23:57:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:23:17.810-07:00Day 15 Thursday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here it is two weeks since I went into hospital. What a
long time this is taking out of my life. I sleep much better and wake at 7.30am
(a much better time) but still had a migraine during the night which is a bit
of a worry - I always knew the fentanyl helped control my migraines. I have a
big day today, Nick and I have lots of appointments and driving and I am a
little worried how I will cope with the length of the day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We head off at 9.15am and don’t get home until 5.30pm.
However, it was successful. I managed the day with a 10-minute lie down at 2pm.
I even drove on a quiet road for five minutes, I am not ready to tackle the
city yet. Every day I improve but I am still slow in mind and movement. Someone
I met today who knows me asked me if I am unwell - that’s my general
appearance. Skipped the pool tonight.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6829959293045719202.post-25507518408704778682018-09-15T01:20:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:23:46.421-07:00Day 16 Friday<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I woke up at 6.30am because of moderate to bad neck pain; I
take the Tramadol SR and two of the quick-release ones. The back pain has thankfully
moved on, the neck pain I can manage but the back pain was too much for me. I
answer a very long, chatty email and when I read back over it I notice I am
still missing conjunction words. I am also struggling with spelling an unusual
name to transfer it from an email to a spreadsheet. It takes me a few attempts
to get it right. I could have managed it if I had written it down or it was in
front of me while I typed. These are all signs that my mind is still slow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am going to go easy on myself today and be relatively lazy
as Melbourne is expecting a storm that will deliver three months of rains in 72
hours, a good excuse to stay inside. However, spending the day lounging on the
bed was not a smart idea as the back pain starts to annoy. At 5.45pm I go for a
walk for 15 minutes and then we head out for Thai for dinner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, I can’t work out why I am still feeling so spacey,
why isn’t my mind normal? I’m looking forward to my mind clearing, I don’t like
living “affected”. I’m not able to trust the loudness of my voice and I have to
re-read texts and emails three times before sending. I have lost a noticeable amount of weight in two weeks (a
positive), but I can feel my appetite returning to normal, I just need my mind
to catch up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel really let down today by Malik and his staff and this
took an emotional toll. I contacted the office at 9am and said I needed more
Tramadol to manage my back pain over the weekend. I was told that Malik wasn’t
working that day but they would email him and get back to me. I waited
patiently all day for a reply, at 4.45pm I phoned again and was told that he
didn’t administer this drug and I needed to visit my GP. This was total rubbish
as he had given me this drug on Monday and at 4.45pm my GP, who was an hour’s
drive away had left for the day! I was upset and angry. I didn’t do this to
myself (my accident/my pain) and I feel I have worked hard to manage this since
2003. Why am I being let down? A real low point for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However it was probably a good thing because my back was
manageable as was my neck pain, so maybe I was relying on Tramadol too much. I
counted my pills, I had six standard Tramadol, enough for three days and four
slow-release, four days’ worth. On Tuesday I have an appointment with my GP for
an unrelated issue so if I still need pain meds I will discuss it with her. I
am worried about having to drive the hour each way to my GP and if I am not up
to it I will postpone it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have now been home a week and it’s been tough, really
tough – you have to be strong to do this, one week more of withdrawal to go.</div>
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03155898864646560974noreply@blogger.com0